How not to care obsessively about rating (especially fast time controls)?

Any insights, suggestions and techniques to tackle this problem are welcome.

In the past two months, I've been in inpatient twice at psychiatric hospitals in part due to rage of losing in HyperBullet from poor internet connection or whatever excuse. Sounds terrible, but it was a blessing in disguise, as I gained maturity from social interactions in the behavioral health units, so there never needs to be any1 being sorry for me.

A few quotes my friends gave me:

"rating is just pixels on a computer screen" - NM Jasugi99

"your worth is not tied to a number" - NM SummitSchoolfOfChess

Because my post is coming from someone with high ratings, I don't mean to come across as braggadocious. A number of my friends who are titled players (I am not) have the same problem of addiction to fast online time controls.

I know one thing about me is that I am very competitive, which may be why I have a strong inclination (I prefer "inclination" to "addiction," but I don't mind using either word) to play chess online and to care more about gaining and losing points than I most likely should.

I know I'm bad at chess. That's enough for me to be calm. I don't play rated much. I'd like to be better at tactics first, but I'm not improving much. I believe I'm a tiny bit better than I was a year ago, but it's very tiny, almost microscopic...

The rating is just a number made by a computer which is trying to guess the result of your next game.

It's not an indication of your chess potential, and definitely not an indication of your worth as a human being.

If you want to improve at chess, focus on that and the rating will come later.

Also, zen mode: https://lichess.org/page/zen

@bugfan said in #1:

Any insights, suggestions and techniques to tackle this problem are welcome.

Thank you for your openness. It takes courage to look inside ourselves.
I think most of us can relate... Certainly I can.
I obsess over my losses and get very frustrated to the point where it’s hard to not take the losses so personally. That ruins the fun.
Through my study and practice of Buddhism I have come to see how this ties directly into attachment to my ego, or sense of self.
I have been meditating, mostly analytical, for about 2 hours per day for about 20 years and it’s clear to me that all of our disturbing emotions arise due to an incorrect or deluded sense of self.
When we see clearly that a truly existent self does not exist at all, that knowledge has the power to undermine the negative emotions. In fact, it allows me to truly be happy for my opponent’s victory.
But it isn’t easy.

@jeffchess2022 said in #4: ... some very wise things. It's well worth taking what he said seriously.

Could I also add that if you want to gain some insight into these addictive behaviours (which, even though you don't like the word, is what they are. No judgement here, we all show such tendencies, every one of us) please try reading "In The Realm of Hungry Ghosts: Close Encounters With Addiction" by Gabor Maté.

Maté is an astonishing physician, with great insight into what these behaviours are, why we do them, and offers a path to self-understanding and self-compassion.

I wish you all good things, and admire your honesty.

@jeffchess2022 said in #4:

Thank you for your openness. It takes courage to look inside ourselves.
I think most of us can relate... Certainly I can.
I obsess over my losses and get very frustrated to the point where it’s hard to not take the losses so personally. That ruins the fun.
Through my study and practice of Buddhism I have come to see how this ties directly into attachment to my ego, or sense of self.
I have been meditating, mostly analytical, for about 2 hours per day for about 20 years and it’s clear to me that all of our disturbing emotions arise due to an incorrect or deluded sense of self.
When we see clearly that a truly existent self does not exist at all, that knowledge has the power to undermine the negative emotions. In fact, it allows me to truly be happy for my opponent’s victory.
But it isn’t easy.

Thank you for your input, jeffchess2022. My father practices Buddhism, but he didn't really get a chance to do so once he came to the United States. I was planning on going to a temple, but I didn't get the chance. I will make sure to go with my father soon.

@DanBreen said in #5:

... some very wise things. It's well worth taking what he said seriously.

Could I also add that if you want to gain some insight into these addictive behaviours (which, even though you don't like the word, is what they are. No judgement here, we all show such tendencies, every one of us) please try reading "In The Realm of Hungry Ghosts: Close Encounters With Addiction" by Gabor Maté.

Maté is an astonishing physician, with great insight into what these behaviours are, why we do them, and offers a path to self-understanding and self-compassion.

I wish you all good things, and admire your honesty.

Thank you for your input, DanBreen.

That book seems awesome.

This is from the introductory paragraph of Dr. Gabor Maté website: "From street-dwelling drug addicts to high-functioning workaholics, the continuum of addiction cuts a wide and painful swath through our culture."

Aside from the positive reviews, I can already tell the book is very good because it says workaholics can be addicts; workaholics tend to be associated with less of a negative connotation than drug addicts.

I am more of a video learner. I don't have enough of an attention span to read, but there seems to content on that book on YouTube.

@bugfan said in #7:

I am more of a video learner. I don't have enough of an attention span to read, but there seems to content on that book on YouTube.

He has many, many lectures and interviews on youtube that you will find useful. Good luck to you.

You can play whatever time control that you like, but as soon as you care too much about the rating, you will always feel tilt, frustration, anxiety, pressure. The way I do it, I just remember my peak performances. This way I am relaxed, because I am satisfied with what I have achieved once. If you need a dopamine kick I'd suggest to rather try to collect trophies from tournaments instead of rating points, because you can't lose previous trophies by playing poorly in the next tournament, while you can lose the rating points in the next game you just gained in the game before.

So the reason I don't like to use the word addiction is not because I am afraid of admitting that I have it. It's actually the opposite. It's just that the mental health industry will turn anything into a mental disorder, like it might as well be sitting down all day going on the computer is an addiction, or what's next, is walking going to be an addiction?