I'm leaving.

I'm 15 now, but I've been playing therapist since I was 12 and didn't even understand what the word suicide meant. I've helped many people through several different severely traumatic experiences. I'm not saying this to brag or to act like I'm the next big shot. Point is, being with depressed friends gave me the passion I have now for psychiatry. It convinced me that the world needed better mental health care, and it also made me much more aware of my own mental health.

But you know, there's a point in time where all that helping crosses a line, right? I've had strangers spill their life story to me within about 10 minutes of conversation. I'm not saying that's a bad thing, but when you're extremely depressed and barely alive, and also trying to keep about five other people alive at the same time while they give you graphic descriptions of SH, it's hard. I've had friends hold my hand on sidewalks as I tried to run while staring down at my phone, afraid that if I stopped typing, the people would be gone.

I know you're reading this right now. You know who you are. I've had many people in my DMs. Some of them were just predatory, but all of them had rough childhoods or current things that they were going through. For three years I have worked with such people, trying to "fix them up", so to speak. We've only known each other for about a year, but in that time, you've managed to take the person who was already broken from her last couple interactions with certain people on here and absolutely destroy what bits of her that are left.

I've torn myself into pieces and set those pieces on fire for you thousands of times over. Yet every time you choose to light yet another match and beg me to take it even as my burnt husk disintegrates to the snow. There is a heated cabin only a kilometer's walk away, yet you choose me, claiming I'm the only source of warmth you trust and you'll freeze to death if you try to walk.

Except, you won't.

I've spent many sleepless nights throwing away everything else for you, and had mental breakdowns regularly over the past couple months straight. I have three tests tomorrow that I am completely unprepared for and am a month behind in homework thanks to the stress. Friends urge me to just drop you because they can see me losing weight, struggling to complete assignments because you live rent-free in my head and I can't quit worrying about you, and also in general how little you've actually cared about getting professional help.

You rely on me. I used to think that was a strength I had, being someone everyone could rely on. And maybe it still is. I love being trusted completely and being a safe space, and I'll never stop loving that. But I also know that I've turned toxic as time has gone on. You don't let me break away. You just guilt trip me back into talking over and over again. You have attempted hundreds of times at this point. I have no emotions left. I have no sympathy left for anybody including myself. I can barely exist anymore. My chats with friends stay neglected, ghosted, because I can't be bothered to do anything anymore. I'm completely frozen in place, still locked up, because you insist that I'm the only person you'll ever talk to or trustMany times in the recent months I have questioned my ability to still live as I look at the dropping grades, the teachers questioning why their once bright 5.0 student is absolutely losing it...I have endured constant passive aggressive comments from everyone in the family over my apparent obsession with you...over how I can't let you go...and you know what? They're right. It's not a strength of mine.

And I know I'm no longer good for you anymore and you should know it too. I can't give you the help you need when I'm torn apart like this. I'm turning into poison, and the sooner you leave, the better. At least you won't be affected.

I was too young for this. Always was. I've given everything to every single one of you, and sure, some of you are nice about it. (For one, I still have a literal angel who is helping me edit this as I write.) But I've given far less to many people who have been far more appreciative, yet you are the only one who has chosen to monopolize my time and feed on my energy like some sort of vulture.You took advantage of the fact that I had just dealt with about ten pedophiles in the span of a matter of months and you were the first "normal" human being I came across. Did you weaponize that unintentionally? Sure. But use it you did all the same. You knew I would feel indebted to you for not being like them and you always brought it up. It has been like a constant guilt trip.

But of course you would never settle for that. You want more. You always do.

Call it cruel that I will talk about mental health like this when I myself go through a lot. Call it toxic. Say whatever you want.
But you can't say I haven't tried my absolute best to power through the last three years, yet all I've gotten is an academic performance declining at an alarming rate, alienating my few friends who you somehow managed to stalk on social media, and just in general absolutely losing everything that I once had. I've tried. I really have.

I will be leaving after posting this. Of course, chess is too important of an escape to me to leave entirely - I have chosen a secret alt that I'll bet $2000 nobody can guess save for one soul. I will miss the social aspect - it's why I chose to be on Lichess. But since I am clearly not capable of functioning at the moment, I will be stepping back until I can get my act together. Perhaps a couple weeks, perhaps more. We'll see.

To all who have made Lichess a fun place to be - a very sincere thank you from the bottom of my heart. Sorry for making you read through yet another rambling of mine.

Hi, this is Cherry. I wanted to just leave for the next couple weeks and wait for someone to post about it here, but I know I'm not actually popular enough for that :( So here's the reason why I'm leaving. I'm 15 now, but I've been playing therapist since I was 12 and didn't even understand what the word suicide meant. I've helped many people through several different severely traumatic experiences. I'm not saying this to brag or to act like I'm the next big shot. Point is, being with depressed friends gave me the passion I have now for psychiatry. It convinced me that the world needed better mental health care, and it also made me much more aware of my own mental health. But you know, there's a point in time where all that helping crosses a line, right? I've had strangers spill their life story to me within about 10 minutes of conversation. I'm not saying that's a bad thing, but when you're extremely depressed and barely alive, and also trying to keep about five other people alive at the same time while they give you graphic descriptions of SH, it's hard. I've had friends hold my hand on sidewalks as I tried to run while staring down at my phone, afraid that if I stopped typing, the people would be gone. I know you're reading this right now. You know who you are. I've had many people in my DMs. Some of them were just predatory, but all of them had rough childhoods or current things that they were going through. For three years I have worked with such people, trying to "fix them up", so to speak. We've only known each other for about a year, but in that time, you've managed to take the person who was already broken from her last couple interactions with certain people on here and absolutely destroy what bits of her that are left. I've torn myself into pieces and set those pieces on fire for you thousands of times over. Yet every time you choose to light yet another match and beg me to take it even as my burnt husk disintegrates to the snow. There is a heated cabin only a kilometer's walk away, yet you choose me, claiming I'm the only source of warmth you trust and you'll freeze to death if you try to walk. Except, you won't. I've spent many sleepless nights throwing away everything else for you, and had mental breakdowns regularly over the past couple months straight. I have three tests tomorrow that I am completely unprepared for and am a month behind in homework thanks to the stress. Friends urge me to just drop you because they can see me losing weight, struggling to complete assignments because you live rent-free in my head and I can't quit worrying about you, and also in general how little you've actually cared about getting professional help. You rely on me. I used to think that was a strength I had, being someone everyone could rely on. And maybe it still is. I love being trusted completely and being a safe space, and I'll never stop loving that. But I also know that I've turned toxic as time has gone on. You don't let me break away. You just guilt trip me back into talking over and over again. You have attempted hundreds of times at this point. I have no emotions left. I have no sympathy left for anybody including myself. I can barely exist anymore. My chats with friends stay neglected, ghosted, because I can't be bothered to do anything anymore. I'm completely frozen in place, still locked up, because you insist that I'm the only person you'll ever talk to or trustMany times in the recent months I have questioned my ability to still live as I look at the dropping grades, the teachers questioning why their once bright 5.0 student is absolutely losing it...I have endured constant passive aggressive comments from everyone in the family over my apparent obsession with you...over how I can't let you go...and you know what? They're right. It's not a strength of mine. And I know I'm no longer good for you anymore and you should know it too. I can't give you the help you need when I'm torn apart like this. I'm turning into poison, and the sooner you leave, the better. At least you won't be affected. I was too young for this. Always was. I've given everything to every single one of you, and sure, some of you are nice about it. (For one, I still have a literal angel who is helping me edit this as I write.) But I've given far less to many people who have been far more appreciative, yet you are the only one who has chosen to monopolize my time and feed on my energy like some sort of vulture.You took advantage of the fact that I had just dealt with about ten pedophiles in the span of a matter of months and you were the first "normal" human being I came across. Did you weaponize that unintentionally? Sure. But use it you did all the same. You knew I would feel indebted to you for not being like them and you always brought it up. It has been like a constant guilt trip. But of course you would never settle for that. You want more. You always do. Call it cruel that I will talk about mental health like this when I myself go through a lot. Call it toxic. Say whatever you want. But you can't say I haven't tried my absolute best to power through the last three years, yet all I've gotten is an academic performance declining at an alarming rate, alienating my few friends who you somehow managed to stalk on social media, and just in general absolutely losing everything that I once had. I've tried. I really have. I will be leaving after posting this. Of course, chess is too important of an escape to me to leave entirely - I have chosen a secret alt that I'll bet $2000 nobody can guess save for one soul. I will miss the social aspect - it's why I chose to be on Lichess. But since I am clearly not capable of functioning at the moment, I will be stepping back until I can get my act together. Perhaps a couple weeks, perhaps more. We'll see. To all who have made Lichess a fun place to be - a very sincere thank you from the bottom of my heart. Sorry for making you read through yet another rambling of mine.

tpr

#1
"I'm 15 now" * Too young to take the load of the world on your shoulders.

"the passion I have now for psychiatry" * People study psychiatry to get counselling from their patients.

#1 "I'm 15 now" * Too young to take the load of the world on your shoulders. "the passion I have now for psychiatry" * People study psychiatry to get counselling from their patients.

suryaraghavendra

ha|

Banzai9

I've known you. For quite a long time. Sharing a leadership, my first ever promotion and playing on Lichess Liga was (and is) splendid. I could not be more grateful. It's been a pretty long run, but still, I didn't want this message to be ever posted.

I'm aware. Maybe not aware of everything, but I know what's happened to you. Even if it's just a teeny tiny bit of it. I did read the post "Will you be my Girlfriend?", which is, in my opinion, a call for help. I just wasn't as conscious as I should have been, and I apologize. I was not seeing it. I'm deeply sorry.

People sometimes say I listen well. It's not about listening, it's about comprehension, both from the speaker and the receiver. If one of those components doesn't cooperate, no listening, no therapy, no psychiatry can be properly made. It's a disruption. And we don't like disruptions.

Think about you. Yourself, then yourself, and lastly yourself. You are the most important person in your life. Always think about you. Always! You can't let other people get in your way, disrupting your peace of mind.
I'm a bit baffled and really sorry about how you worded your text. You ARE in pain, and I don't like that.

I just want you to know we're here. And that maybe, you've got to turn the tables, because we are also therapists. We can aid you. We can help you. We want to.

I'm sorry, maybe the grammar, the structure, or the schematic building of this rattle is catastrophically bad, but it's what came through my heart and brain. I probably have a lot more to say, but I don't want to expand this too much. Be safe out there, GTK. We are here to help. You might not read this, as you said you left, but it's what i want to say.

DM me or anyone if you want help. It'll pass, alright?
Sincerely, Banzai.

Hi there. I just wanted to give a quick message. It might be useful, and it may help. Just know we're all here, trying to aid you. Not only as fellow users, and not because I might cooperate on a team with you. I'd like to help as a human being. And I can't withstand letting this happen. I've known you. For quite a long time. Sharing a leadership, my first ever promotion and playing on Lichess Liga was (and is) splendid. I could not be more grateful. It's been a pretty long run, but still, I didn't want this message to be ever posted. I'm aware. Maybe not aware of everything, but I know what's happened to you. Even if it's just a teeny tiny bit of it. I did read the post "Will you be my Girlfriend?", which is, in my opinion, a call for help. I just wasn't as conscious as I should have been, and I apologize. I was not seeing it. I'm deeply sorry. People sometimes say I listen well. It's not about listening, it's about comprehension, both from the speaker and the receiver. If one of those components doesn't cooperate, no listening, no therapy, no psychiatry can be properly made. It's a disruption. And we don't like disruptions. Think about you. Yourself, then yourself, and lastly yourself. You are the most important person in your life. Always think about you. Always! You can't let other people get in your way, disrupting your peace of mind. I'm a bit baffled and really sorry about how you worded your text. You ARE in pain, and I don't like that. I just want you to know we're here. And that maybe, you've got to turn the tables, because we are also therapists. We can aid you. We can help you. We want to. I'm sorry, maybe the grammar, the structure, or the schematic building of this rattle is catastrophically bad, but it's what came through my heart and brain. I probably have a lot more to say, but I don't want to expand this too much. Be safe out there, GTK. We are here to help. You might not read this, as you said you left, but it's what i want to say. DM me or anyone if you want help. It'll pass, alright? Sincerely, Banzai.

Crosschoke

Good luck brother. Don't take on more than you can handle right now. Try to lighten up a little bit and do things you enjoy. Is there hell on earth? Yes, I won't live in it. Is there heaven on earth? Yes, be there.

vihaanthegr8

edited

Hey, I'm sorry to hear what you're going through. I hope you have a good break off chess. And ALL the toxicity.
Take care. Rest . The Lichess fam is with you, greenteakitten.

Hey, I'm sorry to hear what you're going through. I hope you have a good break off chess. And ALL the toxicity. Take care. Rest . The Lichess fam is with you, greenteakitten.

mang0sunr1s3

#10

@Rabbit_on_theViolin said in #2:

Have mangoes :)
Rabbit tbh it's not always good to say stuff about mangoes, at least post some words of encouragement for OP.

@Rabbit_on_theViolin said in #2: > Have mangoes :) Rabbit tbh it's not always good to say stuff about mangoes, at least post some words of encouragement for OP.

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