I'm leaving.

Hi Cherry
I'll just make it plain and simple
I like you.

Now something I've discovered
Is you can't fix the ills of the world

But if you're human
You have to try
And you do.

Sometimes isn't it true
That we do what we can do
And you don't want to be rewarded
You just want to help
Damn. Don't we all want to do that ?
Can't let the crazy,manipulative trolls
Sour your perspective.
For whatever their purposes may be you have to maintain your integrity and maintain your values in the face of the storm.
Sounds pedantic, maybe...
But hey Cherry
You be you.

You make the world a better place.

OP this role is very important in today's society, but you can't let them effect your own mental health. I've also been helping suicidal people for years. It is really important to do what you're doing, help people who need it, it's a really good thing. But please don't let them hurt your own health. Don't be so focused that you fail in every other aspect of life. You're doing a very good thing, but don't let it overwhelm you. Take breaks when you need them.
Edit: For everyone going through this position, don't let people manipulate you through threatening suicide. If someone tries to make you do something by threatening suicide, that person is manipulative, and you need to get away from them.

Thank you each and every single one of you for this incredible amount of support flowing in. I'm incredibly touched by both the people who reached out publicly and those who did so in DMs as well!

I am now semi-back, just less often online. Yay~

@greenteakitten said in #1:

Hi, this is Cherry. I wanted to just leave for the next couple weeks and wait for someone to post about it here, but I know I'm not actually popular enough for that :( So here's the reason why I'm leaving.

I'm 15 now, but I've been playing therapist since I was 12 and didn't even understand what the word suicide meant. I've helped many people through several different severely traumatic experiences. I'm not saying this to brag or to act like I'm the next big shot. Point is, being with depressed friends gave me the passion I have now for psychiatry. It convinced me that the world needed better mental health care, and it also made me much more aware of my own mental health.

But you know, there's a point in time where all that helping crosses a line, right? I've had strangers spill their life story to me within about 10 minutes of conversation. I'm not saying that's a bad thing, but when you're extremely depressed and barely alive, and also trying to keep about five other people alive at the same time while they give you graphic descriptions of SH, it's hard. I've had friends hold my hand on sidewalks as I tried to run while staring down at my phone, afraid that if I stopped typing, the people would be gone.

I know you're reading this right now. You know who you are. I've had many people in my DMs. Some of them were just predatory, but all of them had rough childhoods or current things that they were going through. For three years I have worked with such people, trying to "fix them up", so to speak. We've only known each other for about a year, but in that time, you've managed to take the person who was already broken from her last couple interactions with certain people on here and absolutely destroy what bits of her that are left.

I've torn myself into pieces and set those pieces on fire for you thousands of times over. Yet every time you choose to light yet another match and beg me to take it even as my burnt husk disintegrates to the snow. There is a heated cabin only a kilometer's walk away, yet you choose me, claiming I'm the only source of warmth you trust and you'll freeze to death if you try to walk.

Except, you won't.

I've spent many sleepless nights throwing away everything else for you, and had mental breakdowns regularly over the past couple months straight. I have three tests tomorrow that I am completely unprepared for and am a month behind in homework thanks to the stress. Friends urge me to just drop you because they can see me losing weight, struggling to complete assignments because you live rent-free in my head and I can't quit worrying about you, and also in general how little you've actually cared about getting professional help.

You rely on me. I used to think that was a strength I had, being someone everyone could rely on. And maybe it still is. I love being trusted completely and being a safe space, and I'll never stop loving that. But I also know that I've turned toxic as time has gone on. You don't let me break away. You just guilt trip me back into talking over and over again. You have attempted hundreds of times at this point. I have no emotions left. I have no sympathy left for anybody including myself. I can barely exist anymore. My chats with friends stay neglected, ghosted, because I can't be bothered to do anything anymore. I'm completely frozen in place, still locked up, because you insist that I'm the only person you'll ever talk to or trustMany times in the recent months I have questioned my ability to still live as I look at the dropping grades, the teachers questioning why their once bright 5.0 student is absolutely losing it...I have endured constant passive aggressive comments from everyone in the family over my apparent obsession with you...over how I can't let you go...and you know what? They're right. It's not a strength of mine.

And I know I'm no longer good for you anymore and you should know it too. I can't give you the help you need when I'm torn apart like this. I'm turning into poison, and the sooner you leave, the better. At least you won't be affected.

I was too young for this. Always was. I've given everything to every single one of you, and sure, some of you are nice about it. (For one, I still have a literal angel who is helping me edit this as I write.) But I've given far less to many people who have been far more appreciative, yet you are the only one who has chosen to monopolize my time and feed on my energy like some sort of vulture.You took advantage of the fact that I had just dealt with about ten pedophiles in the span of a matter of months and you were the first "normal" human being I came across. Did you weaponize that unintentionally? Sure. But use it you did all the same. You knew I would feel indebted to you for not being like them and you always brought it up. It has been like a constant guilt trip.

But of course you would never settle for that. You want more. You always do.

Call it cruel that I will talk about mental health like this when I myself go through a lot. Call it toxic. Say whatever you want.
But you can't say I haven't tried my absolute best to power through the last three years, yet all I've gotten is an academic performance declining at an alarming rate, alienating my few friends who you somehow managed to stalk on social media, and just in general absolutely losing everything that I once had. I've tried. I really have.

I will be leaving after posting this. Of course, chess is too important of an escape to me to leave entirely - I have chosen a secret alt that I'll bet $2000 nobody can guess save for one soul. I will miss the social aspect - it's why I chose to be on Lichess. But since I am clearly not capable of functioning at the moment, I will be stepping back until I can get my act together. Perhaps a couple weeks, perhaps more. We'll see.

To all who have made Lichess a fun place to be - a very sincere thank you from the bottom of my heart. Sorry for making you read through yet another rambling of mine.

Dear fellow human(i hope)

We are sorry you are leaving but people loves you anyways. 15 was a tough age so im happy you overcame it. Also when you atate im not popular why did you get 44 hearts... I hope your mental state gets better and hope therapists can help. If you ask me to help with mentallity, i major law not psychology. But maybe switch therapists if one dont help and dont keep things inside. It makes it worse

Quite telling you've closed your account a mere hour after posting this.

My age really has nothing to do with this, it's just additional context to explain the immaturity that led to this mess. And evidently, 45 people did notice and care that I left and came back.

@greenteakitten said in #36:

Quite telling you've closed your account a mere hour after posting this.

My age really has nothing to do with this, it's just additional context to explain the immaturity that led to this mess. And evidently, 45 people did notice and care that I left and came back.

Dont take him seriously
remeber the world is filled with negative people but u dont have to be one of them

@CoffeeBeanKiller said in #26:

@greenteakitten I hope you are aware that what you have been experiencing is basically grooming.

As someone who has been through many grooming attempts first, this was not it. The person has profusely apologized and is making an honest effort to secure professional help. I hold nothing against him and never will.

My frustration at the pressure is not meant to be an attack. Just an explanation for why I needed a break :)

More power to you, mate!
As the saying goes - "Whoever saves a life, saves the world entire."

But afterall, it all takes a toll on our own mental health, once we experience the dark side of life. It is quite a challenge to go through life with sanity after having experiences, either personal or that of others that stir the soul beyond the realm of right & wrong or black & white.

https://youtu.be/3kaUvGSLMew?si=sAK0esCeV247hamA

@fz_chess_666 said in #35:

You've been playing therapist since you were 12?? It's you that needs a therapist. The ultimate horsie. Sure child, whatever you say.

No one will notice you are gone
I cannot believe someone would say something like this...

Everyone she's back :) https://lichess.org/forum/off-topic-discussion/im-back-11?page=1

Topic here can be closed.