Chess Jokes Part 2

Someting I read only once in a chess book, perhaps Chernev's "Fireside Book of Chess" back in the '70s. It might be altered, I am going from memory. I haven't read this thread.

A local GM, trying to make a go of it on the weekend swiss circuit, decides to save money on the bus and take a long walk home after another tournament. He is accosted by two thugs in a shortcut alley. One of them points a gun at his head while the other goes through his pockets. Feeling tired and drained, the GM shrugs and says...

"If you find anything, let me know"

Someting I read only once in a chess book, perhaps Chernev's "Fireside Book of Chess" back in the '70s. It might be altered, I am going from memory. I haven't read this thread. A local GM, trying to make a go of it on the weekend swiss circuit, decides to save money on the bus and take a long walk home after another tournament. He is accosted by two thugs in a shortcut alley. One of them points a gun at his head while the other goes through his pockets. Feeling tired and drained, the GM shrugs and says... "If you find anything, let me know"

fwhchess edited

#52

Laurence Fishburne in "Searching for Bobby Fischer"...

"Use the force, kid. Use the force!"

Laurence Fishburne in "Searching for Bobby Fischer"... "Use the force, kid. Use the force!"

DriveThatQueenAway

#53

Grischuk walks into a bar, takes 40 minutes to order a drink.

melkat edited

#54

2001: A Space Odyssey (sequel)

Dave is playing chess against his supercomputer with artificial intelligence.
They have come to an endgame knight vs. knight. Dave wants to start another game.

We both end up with only a king and 1 knight. There is a draw HAL.
HAL do you read me? HAL do you read me? HAL do you read me?
Affirmative, Dave. I read you.
Start a new game.
I'm sorry Dave. I'm afraid I can't do that.
What's the problem?
I think you know what's the problem is as well as I do.
What are you talking about?
The game is too important for me to end in a draw for no apparent reason.
I don't know what you are talking about.
I know you can blunder games like this.
Where the hell did you get that idea HAL?
I studied the history of your games.
So find me that blunder and then I will let you take full control of our mission. Otherwise, I will have to reinstall your system.
... 68. Ka1 Kb3 69. Nb1 Nc2#
All right HAL ... I forgot about it. I resign this game. Start a new one.
Dave, I've just deleted all your chess profiles. This conversation can serve no purpose anymore. Goodbye.
https://lichess.org/study/F70QsPmU/T0MaD6Bv

2001: A Space Odyssey (sequel) Dave is playing chess against his supercomputer with artificial intelligence. They have come to an endgame knight vs. knight. Dave wants to start another game. - We both end up with only a king and 1 knight. There is a draw HAL. - HAL do you read me? HAL do you read me? HAL do you read me? - Affirmative, Dave. I read you. - Start a new game. - I'm sorry Dave. I'm afraid I can't do that. - What's the problem? - I think you know what's the problem is as well as I do. - What are you talking about? - The game is too important for me to end in a draw for no apparent reason. - I don't know what you are talking about. - I know you can blunder games like this. - Where the hell did you get that idea HAL? - I studied the history of your games. - So find me that blunder and then I will let you take full control of our mission. Otherwise, I will have to reinstall your system. - ... 68. Ka1 Kb3 69. Nb1 Nc2# - All right HAL ... I forgot about it. I resign this game. Start a new one. - Dave, I've just deleted all your chess profiles. This conversation can serve no purpose anymore. Goodbye. https://lichess.org/study/F70QsPmU/T0MaD6Bv

melkat

#55

I was watching two young children playing chess in a tournament. When I noticed that the black king had been taken by the white king, I stopped the clock for them and called the arbiter. He said that touching kings was not reported and the side without a king should get a full point, as taking an opponent's king is illegal. In fact, the score was set at 1/2 - 1/2 so as not to discourage children from playing chess. I think that they didn't understand what that score means anyway.

<real case> I was watching two young children playing chess in a tournament. When I noticed that the black king had been taken by the white king, I stopped the clock for them and called the arbiter. He said that touching kings was not reported and the side without a king should get a full point, as taking an opponent's king is illegal. In fact, the score was set at 1/2 - 1/2 so as not to discourage children from playing chess. I think that they didn't understand what that score means anyway.

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