So last Thursday I was groped by a guy on the streets of Leeds. The evening started out normally enough, I was at a professional training conference for two days, it was very good and we had had a day packed with lectures on emergency and critical care, followed by a dinner in the evening. After the food, networking and dancing had finished, we were ushered out and made our way to our various accommodations nearby. A group of vets and nurses just walking "home" after a nice night out. The group dispersed as we walked and I found myself alone with another vet and we made pleasant normal conversation. When I got to my Air BnB, he reached out, fondled my bum, and put his hands on my side, right near my chest.
I was honestly shocked. We had been talking about vet things and work-related stuff, even talked about potential work contracts, but he had had a few drinks and obviously felt that it was ok to just go for it. I said "Hey! what are you doing?!" and pushed his hands away in shock. He backed off, and I think he got the message. I went to my flat and left him standing on the street.
Why am I sharing this here in a forum about online abuse? Well I guess I just thought it was a bit ironic that I had written a blog that had got so much attention and then found myself in a city centre at night with some random guy putting his hands all over me in a most unwelcome manner. I guess I'm just annoyed with myself for reacting in such a lame way, instead of punching his lights out and kicking him hard where it hurts. He was a small lightweight guy, fairly drunk and I could have taken him down for sure. Was it necessary for my safety? Probably not, but I still think he deserved way more than he got. To date I have not reported it to anyone, nor do I intend to. He's just one of many guys with unwelcome, drunk, wandering hands. Also, there were likely no witnesses, so just my word against his.
It just really brought it home to me why women don't always report abuse to the authorities. You feel weak, and stupid, like somehow it's either your fault, or you shouldn't make it a big deal, and you certainly don't want to relive it. Worse things have surely happened to people, me included, I was just disappointed by my response to the situation, even though my reaction stopped what was happening and no one got seriously hurt.
So I want to encourage any girls young or old reading this who have experienced abuse or assault irl or online, please do better than I did and report it and get help if you need to.
@QueenRosieMary said in #751:
> [...]
> So I want to encourage any girls young or old reading this who have experienced abuse or assault irl or online, please do better than I did and report it and get help if you need to.
Ironically, I have to call out toxic behaviours of some men coworkers. To all men reading this, we must acknowledged we have to deal with our emotion in a better way and stop those toxics behaviours. More ironically what I am calling out with the women who were targeted is forbidden by a law.
How the hell a man can still think this is something he can do?
To all men reading this we have to stand up against this otherwise we can be told we're complicits.
@QueenRosieMary I have a message for you: everyone here knows that you are an incredible, a wonderful person. you share good vibes and kindness and you like to play chess. you a great person, no matter what others say, I will not take back what I said above, I will say it loud and clear.
I am a boy, and I am very shocked by what I read in the blog and in your message about Leeds. These perverts deserve to be punished. I could have said harsh words about such people, but i am a polite person who will not say such words. Because i think that taking action and punishing is better than insults. To summarize, never let yourself be brought down by perverts without soul or humanity. neither on the chessboard nor in life. I have the right to say that this is bestial and inhumane behavior. Lichess will continue to do its best and thanks to testimonies like yours, I am certain that one day this will disappear. Lichess is fortunately not a social network but a chess server and given the testimonies of what is happening on Twitch or X/Twitter or other social networks, I think that Lichess is much safer. but not without danger. the fault is not Lichess, but "people" sometimes coming just for such behavior or being able to discover Lichess thanks to streaming sites. I think Lichess should launch its own streaming platform, which would be much cleaner than Twitch or YouTube. and which will make everyone's activity even more secure. I think you have managed to reach a wide audience thanks to your blog, now it's time to act.
we must act to make Lichess safe, ever friendlier, and perfect. we are with you, we will help you, and we will help Lichess!
@CSKA_Moscou thank you for your kind words, I appreciate it, and I agree, Lichess is a very nice clean site and definitely does its best where these issues are concerned.
@QueenRosieMary said in #1:
> Comments on lichess.org/@/queenrosiemary/blog/breaking-the-silence-online/h9S8jea9
My name is Robert. I am a chess coach. I also write articles and make videos related to several chess topics. Among my activities as a coach, I work at a women's school. I teach chess in all grades, primary and secondary. I often challenge students to research certain topics related to women's chess, which greatly motivates them to study more. I have posted about some of these topics on this forum. So, women's chess is very important to me. I promote it in all my chess activities. Almost three weeks ago I directed the annual women's tournament at school. I have great respect for women's chess and for women.
Now, I will share a not very pleasant experience in these tasks. About five years ago, a coach invited me to co-organize a tournament which would be held at the school where he worked. I accepted. With just a few days left before the tournament, we had to go buy the prizes. While at the mall, he began looking for toys that boys typically play with. I suggested that we should look for items that could be used by boys and girls. "Some girls could make it to some of the top spots," I told him. "It's possible, but I honestly don't think any of the girls are capable of winning." he replied. I was upset, not only because he underestimated my students - girls from other schools participated too- I was also surprised that a colleague with several years' experience thought that way about women. Finally, we bought more suitable prizes. In that tournament two girls reached the necessary score to be awarded.
Longest that i ever seen...
Nice last statement in #731 @QueenRosieMary
As you said, sometimes a weak people can do harass as well, like that guy in Leeds.
I think you did the best way. If you had acted more aggressively the guy would have felt more ashamed and a less confident. He is probably to weak too get the lady like you with his personality. In my opinion he also need help, not taking down.
Also many chessplayers harassing women are also weak players and have to deal with their complexes.
I think community online and live, should do something to help them all, for good of the whole community.
And your posts here got to me and many players
@mdobrasi said in #757:
> Nice last statement in #731 @QueenRosieMary
>
> As you said, sometimes a weak people can do harass as well, like that guy in Leeds.
> I think you did the best way. If you had acted more aggressively the guy would have felt more ashamed and a less confident. He is probably to weak too get the lady like you with his personality. In my opinion he also need help, not taking down.
> Also many chessplayers harassing women are also weak players and have to deal with their complexes.
> I think community online and live, should do something to help them all, for good of the whole community.
> And your posts here got to me and many players
I agree that he is weak because he can't control his basic male urges but I disagree that he needs help. I think an adult man who has enough intelligence to be a professional should be able to work out that it's not ok to see a woman you like the look of and just grab a handful or two. I think he did deserve taking down but with hindsight, if I had underestimated his strength it could have ended badly for me as well. Maybe he played rugby and did kickboxing too? Maybe an email to his clinic about his behaviour would be more effective?
I agree that it seems a lot of bullies are weak and seem to feel the need to bully others to make themselves feel or appear stronger. I guess chess players are no different in this regard.
Yes, I think the community needs to act together to start to solve this problem and change the culture.
@Professor74 said in #755:
> My name is Robert. I am a chess coach. I also write articles and make videos related to several chess topics. Among my activities as a coach, I work at a women's school. I teach chess in all grades, primary and secondary. I often challenge students to research certain topics related to women's chess, which greatly motivates them to study more. I have posted about some of these topics on this forum. So, women's chess is very important to me. I promote it in all my chess activities. Almost three weeks ago I directed the annual women's tournament at school. I have great respect for women's chess and for women.
>
> Now, I will share a not very pleasant experience in these tasks. About five years ago, a coach invited me to co-organize a tournament which would be held at the school where he worked. I accepted. With just a few days left before the tournament, we had to go buy the prizes. While at the mall, he began looking for toys that boys typically play with. I suggested that we should look for items that could be used by boys and girls. "Some girls could make it to some of the top spots," I told him. "It's possible, but I honestly don't think any of the girls are capable of winning." he replied. I was upset, not only because he underestimated my students - girls from other schools participated too- I was also surprised that a colleague with several years' experience thought that way about women. Finally, we bought more suitable prizes. In that tournament two girls reached the necessary score to be awarded.
I only qoute it because it fits my experience and it it important. Thank you for posting it.
@Professor74 said in #755:
> My name is Robert. I am a chess coach. I also write articles and make videos related to several chess topics. Among my activities as a coach, I work at a women's school. I teach chess in all grades, primary and secondary. I often challenge students to research certain topics related to women's chess, which greatly motivates them to study more. I have posted about some of these topics on this forum. So, women's chess is very important to me. I promote it in all my chess activities. Almost three weeks ago I directed the annual women's tournament at school. I have great respect for women's chess and for women.
>
> Now, I will share a not very pleasant experience in these tasks. About five years ago, a coach invited me to co-organize a tournament which would be held at the school where he worked. I accepted. With just a few days left before the tournament, we had to go buy the prizes. While at the mall, he began looking for toys that boys typically play with. I suggested that we should look for items that could be used by boys and girls. "Some girls could make it to some of the top spots," I told him. "It's possible, but I honestly don't think any of the girls are capable of winning." he replied. I was upset, not only because he underestimated my students - girls from other schools participated too- I was also surprised that a colleague with several years' experience thought that way about women. Finally, we bought more suitable prizes. In that tournament two girls reached the necessary score to be awarded.
Thank you for sharing this Robert. I have read a lot of your forum posts and I know you are very invested in the subject. Sadly it doesn't surprise me but it is disheartening and as @Murphy_the_Irish_red has also said, this is his experience too. I can only imagine the negativity and lack of confidence this other "coach" instills in his female students... If this is a common attitude at grass roots level, it is only natural that it will continue to permeate through the whole chess culture.
And this was only five years ago, not fifty. How sad.