The 5 Lichess Players Who Ruined My Sanity

1. The Bullet Demon (a.k.a. Premove Goblin )

They don’t see the board. They see vibes. Blunder? Who cares. Accuracy? Irrelevant. These psychos will play 30 moves in 12 seconds and flag you like they’re playing dodgeball. They premove mate in 1 and still have time to brush their teeth.
Strategy: Move fast, hope for chaos.
Outcome: You play perfect chess. Still lose on time.
Catchphrase: “I didn’t even see what I played lol”

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2. The Deep ThinkerTM (a.k.a. Chess Monk )

Bro is solving the meaning of life on move 6. They stare at the board for 2 full minutes just to play g3. You’re sitting there, checking your fridge, scrolling memes, writing this blog — and they’re still in deep thought about castling.
Time usage: 99% on the opening.
Accuracy: 87%.
Clock management: -999 Elo.
Catchphrase: “I was winning before I flagged ”

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3. The Gambit Gremlin (a.k.a. Chaos Enthusiast )

These maniacs don’t care about material. They’ll sack a rook on move 3 just to say “it’s theory, bro.” You’ll be up a queen and still sweating. Because suddenly their knight is on h6 and your king is on vacation in the center.
Opening prep: “Here’s 6 pawns and a rook.”
Plan: Attack or die trying.
Catchphrase: “Trust the vibes, not the engine.”

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4. The Theory Nerd (a.k.a. PGN Copy-Paster )

The first 12 moves are engine-perfect. You’re like “damn, this guy must be 2400.” And then suddenly... hangs a bishop in one. Why? Because they memorized 30 moves of the Najdorf and forgot what to do when you don’t play d6.
Memory: God-tier.
Understanding: “I saw this in a Levy video once.”
Catchphrase: “Wait what do I do if they play a6 first???”

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5. The Rage Quitter (a.k.a. Houdini Disconnector )

You’re crushing. Your masterpiece is unfolding. And right as you’re about to deliver the final blow... they vanish. “This player may have left the game.” Bro rage quit so hard he time-traveled. Now you’re just staring at a board like a museum artifact, waiting to claim victory.
Emotional damage: +100
Your options: Sit. Wait. Regret your choices.
Catchphrase: [user has disconnected]

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Bonus: YOU, Yes YOU, Don’t Act Innocent

You’ve rage quit. You’ve hung a queen to a pawn. You’ve said “last game” 19 times at 3 a.m. You’ve uninstalled the app, reinstalled it 6 minutes later, and played a bullet game while brushing your teeth. Don’t lie — we’re in the same boat.

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Final Words Before I Blunder Again

Lichess is beautiful chaos. You’ll lose to 400-rated smurfs and beat a 2100 while sipping chai. You’ll sacrifice a queen, call it art, and then cry when Stockfish says “blunder.”
So keep playing, keep suffering, and remember:
Chess is pain.
Elo is fake.
Bullet is a lifestyle, not a choice.
– @MutedTactics, survivor of 7 emotional breakdowns and 1 brilliant move