All this time, these last 9 months, I have been trying to do everything to get more social in the real world that I could do alone. I thought that no one was going to help me or truly understand me.
Turns out I was the one being blindsided by myself.
The friend advice, the social situations, the problems I've had, all of that was avoidable by one factor: my will to accept other's opinions and wants. I've had trouble with that my whole life. I still do. But I realize now, I just wanted attention. And when it wasn't the right kind of attention, I didn't accept it. I had so much to gain at the beginning of the year, but I couldn't handle that I wasn't getting what I wanted.
I also had trouble understanding who I was. I thought no one, not even I, would understand who I was. But now I realize, everyone knew who I WAS; I had just changed who I am now trying to figure that out. And when I knew parts of the truth, and figured things out, all I needed to do was go back to normal. But I had lost myself by then, and I had no idea what to do. It was just another downward spiral of tragic events that I'd thought would follow.
Then today. I happened to stumble across a video (that I had been planning to watch for weeks but never got the chance to) made by a highly subscribed YouTuber and domino builder, and found that I was the featured community member at the end. Couldn't help myself not to put a smile on my face. And then I suddenly got embarrassed. If I was this good, that not even 6 months after I started my channel I'm already so far into my dream as one of the best domino builders, then why am I still so miserable, so crazy, so wanting attention? I already have more attention than I probably deserve (and don't convince me otherwise, it's just not right to be greedy for others when they aren't greedy) in possibly my whole life. I'm wasting my golden years and I don't even care or just refuse to acknowledge it, I don't know, but I need to stop. I don't want to pretend like my personality is something else even though I can very well act like it. Because that's not what people liked before about me. They liked the way I was funny, the way I was kind, the way that I never could stop talking (well, maybe not that one, but still hehe) and even the way I laughed, could have fun, could every once and a while play dead (childhood stuff, don't comment on it, let it be sacred). I was a better person. I can be a better person. And that's by doing what I love most. Not what I want most.
And maybe, just maybe, I'll get the attention I wanted after all. Not not going to hope for it, though, because I'm not crazy enough not to hope and dream. But that's what got me the attraction I had years ago. My wild ability to dream, and openly share it. And then act on some of it.
I will not give up on that quality on mine. Ever. I will, if the forces of the unknown allow, make this dream of mine, where I am truly happy, as much of a reality as possible.
Turns out I was the one being blindsided by myself.
The friend advice, the social situations, the problems I've had, all of that was avoidable by one factor: my will to accept other's opinions and wants. I've had trouble with that my whole life. I still do. But I realize now, I just wanted attention. And when it wasn't the right kind of attention, I didn't accept it. I had so much to gain at the beginning of the year, but I couldn't handle that I wasn't getting what I wanted.
I also had trouble understanding who I was. I thought no one, not even I, would understand who I was. But now I realize, everyone knew who I WAS; I had just changed who I am now trying to figure that out. And when I knew parts of the truth, and figured things out, all I needed to do was go back to normal. But I had lost myself by then, and I had no idea what to do. It was just another downward spiral of tragic events that I'd thought would follow.
Then today. I happened to stumble across a video (that I had been planning to watch for weeks but never got the chance to) made by a highly subscribed YouTuber and domino builder, and found that I was the featured community member at the end. Couldn't help myself not to put a smile on my face. And then I suddenly got embarrassed. If I was this good, that not even 6 months after I started my channel I'm already so far into my dream as one of the best domino builders, then why am I still so miserable, so crazy, so wanting attention? I already have more attention than I probably deserve (and don't convince me otherwise, it's just not right to be greedy for others when they aren't greedy) in possibly my whole life. I'm wasting my golden years and I don't even care or just refuse to acknowledge it, I don't know, but I need to stop. I don't want to pretend like my personality is something else even though I can very well act like it. Because that's not what people liked before about me. They liked the way I was funny, the way I was kind, the way that I never could stop talking (well, maybe not that one, but still hehe) and even the way I laughed, could have fun, could every once and a while play dead (childhood stuff, don't comment on it, let it be sacred). I was a better person. I can be a better person. And that's by doing what I love most. Not what I want most.
And maybe, just maybe, I'll get the attention I wanted after all. Not not going to hope for it, though, because I'm not crazy enough not to hope and dream. But that's what got me the attraction I had years ago. My wild ability to dream, and openly share it. And then act on some of it.
I will not give up on that quality on mine. Ever. I will, if the forces of the unknown allow, make this dream of mine, where I am truly happy, as much of a reality as possible.