You can run, but should you hide?

The Blog

The message was quite unexpected. I had just published my second blog on Lichess, Breaking The Silence Online, and had no expectations beyond perhaps twenty of my friends reading it. When someone from the Lichess team mentioned to me that it was the #1 trending blog on the site I was shocked. I didn't even realise community blogs had rankings. But somehow my article about my experiences of online harassment as a female chess player struck a chord with readers and started a raging debate in the forum. So much so that the moderators had to close the forum discussion at one point because it was getting out of hand with ten new pages of comments appearing every day. The trolls and haters came out in force, along with ad hominem attacks and straight denials that any sort of sexism or harassment happened at all.

(c) QRM

Fires in the forum

Everyone had an opinion it seemed. Meanwhile, I was helping my Mum with some landscaping work at her house that weekend and I didn't have a lot of time to constantly put out the raging fires that kept re-igniting in the forum debate.

I was just trying to do some gardening (c) QRM

Why was it so controversial? Surely it was just the personal testimony of an ordinary Lichess user with some comments about the state of things as I experienced them as a female player? It's not even like I am high-rated, or titled, that anyone should take much notice. I'm just a regular 1600 who decided to speak out about something because I thought people should know.

You have mail

The weeks that followed were a rollercoaster. I received many, many messages of support in my inbox and many messages of thanks for raising the topic. I heard from players all over the world about how the blog had impacted them and how it had inspired them to make changes in their OTB chess clubs by introducing policies to be more inclusive and friendly towards women. I made many new contacts and friends as a result who I still keep in touch with today. I heard from women who had likewise suffered abuse and stalking and wanted to confide in someone with similar experiences.

I also received what you might describe as "hate mail", a very tiny minority of the total messages I got were negative, threatening, or abusive, and they were quickly dealt with. Some users were very persistent though and made multiple accounts to target me with, like perennial weeds that keep coming back no matter how many times they were pulled up. The irony of receiving hate mail and being harassed as a result of writing a blog about harassment was not lost on me. Some people just can't help themselves it seems, whether from an irresistible urge to troll, or from just genuinely finding what I was saying objectionable.

I was getting quite a few of these notifications at one point.

I didn't realise at the time that the after-effects of the blog would be so long-lasting. During the height of the madness, I was getting 20-30 new followers a day, although I can't be sure how many in total since this number is not visible, which is probably a good job or it would freak me out! I never really cared much about followers anyway, and since you don't know who follows you, does it even matter?

I still get random messages from people who just want to say hi and then awkwardly run out of things to say, or want to be my "friend" (mainly kids I suppose) or play a game or two. Most of them are friendly and they might get a game if I have time. Some are a nuisance. I still get one or two random followers some days.

Challenging times

I had to change my game challenge settings as a result though because one particularly persistent stalker was spamming me with anonymous challenges despite being blocked, he was doing this by logging out and then sending challenges as "anon". I never accepted any of them, but later he messaged me on yet another (the 12th) account and told me it was him. I first changed settings to "only registered users", then "only friends" which has cured that problem and also created more problems when it comes to some tournaments because now my opponents can't challenge me unless I follow them first, or unless I challenge them instead.

Counting the cost

One thing I also hadn't accounted for, or ever thought about, was the sheer time sink of it all, and the total emotional exhaustion that came with suddenly being higher profile than before. It seemed like everyone wanted to talk to me, to play games with me, everyone wanted a piece of my time and my energy and it was too much. It was at this point that I really learned to appreciate the people I had been friends with before it all started, my mates from my team Think, and the people I had known since my earlier days on Lichess. I knew they were there not for any other reason than just simply being my friend, and I didn't have to wonder if every message from a new person was a stalker coming back or another "hi can we be friends" from a small child somewhere.

Part of this cost was a continuation of what I had already accepted when I chose to make my account name to be obviously female. I hadn't banked on quite this much attention being generated though, and again the thought of hiding on an alt occurred to me, in fact it was suggested to me as a solution. The problem with that of course, was that all my friends knew me as QRM and I didn't want a lot of people knowing about my alt if I was going to go down that road.

Playing chess against abusers and stalkers - no thanks, it's too personal!

I mentioned that one of the stalkers who had such persistence in wanting to be part of my online chess life sent numerous challenges to me when logged out in a desperate attempt to interact with me through playing chess. I was glad later when I found out it was him that I had declined them all. Speaking to other female chess-playing friends, most of them expressed a very strong desire to never have to play someone who had stalked, harassed, or abused them in the past (or someone who was still doing that). Chess is a very personal game, a 1v1 fight where no one else is involved. To spend this time, which, depending on the variant and time control, could be anywhere from a few seconds or minutes to an hour or more, playing chess with someone who has previously traumatised you (or is currently harassing or stalking you), and you are trying very hard to forget about can be an intensely distressing and very unpleasant experience. In some cases like this, I have been physically ill after these games due to the stress.

"Speaking to other female chess-playing friends, most of them expressed a very strong desire to never have to play someone who had stalked, harassed, or abused them in the past"

Unfortunately, a lot of the time, users who harass other users are only restricted in their ability to communicate, but are often still allowed to play games in public tournaments, (since they are not necessarily cheaters), so pairings with people you are trying to avoid for personal reasons like this are not prevented. Indeed, it has to be like this to avoid unscrupulous users gaming the system. Although the system prevents you from being paired in the lobby with people you have blocked and prevents them from challenging you directly, it does not affect arenas and Swiss tournament pairings. As a result of this, I regularly find myself in this situation, facing someone with a history of some sort of abuse that I have blocked, and I have still not found a satisfactory solution to it.

Zen mode is not the answer for me since I like to know who I am facing, and their rating and preferred openings. I also don't feel like I should be the one to not play in arenas since I refuse to be driven out when I am not the person committing the offence. Some people have suggested that when this happens, I should simply resign on move one like Magnus did against Hans in that now-infamous game to register his silent protest. Much as this might seem like a tempting idea, I am not by nature a quitter, I like to fight and I find it very hard to resign even when I'm losing, never mind before the game has even got underway! Besides that, I don't like giving them free rating and tournament points that they don't deserve because that goes against the grain for me*. Also, resigning too many games at the start can result in warnings from Lichess and ultimately bans or account closure for sandbagging, which is not something I want to have to deal with either. I have enough faith in Lichess as an organisation that this situation could probably be successfully appealed, but again, why even put yourself through it in the first place?

* edit - Having said that, I did resign at the start of a game the other day. I guess you never know how you might feel at any given time, and that particular time, I didn't want to play this person who has been sanctioned by FIDE for being a sexual predator in real life at OTB tournaments.

I recently counted the number of games I had played against people that I would regard as stalkers, harassers, or predators, and it was over 100 games (mainly blitz and some rapid, in both standard and variants). That's 45 games against one stalker whose account is now closed, 55 games against someone who was persistently harassing me but is still playing games here, and 9 games against a player who was found guilty of sexual harassment by the FIDE Ethics and Disciplinary Committee. The sheer number of games involved rules out the resigning immediately idea as a regular plan, although maybe occasionally is fine. And that's a lot of time in the "company" of men I would rather never encounter ever again. Why so many games though? I suppose there are different reasons. If you initially encountered someone in an arena who later became a stalker, then it is natural that you will meet them again in a similar arena since that might be a mutually preferred time control or variant. Or maybe they are deliberately targeting arenas where they know you and/or other women will be playing, or the times they join and pause, to maximise their chances of a game against you. Sounds a bit far-fetched, perhaps? But I have witnessed this exact thing many times, both to myself and I have also seen it happen to other female players. Trust me, it happens, there are some real weirdos out there.

"...and that's a lot of time in the "company" of men I would rather never encounter ever again."

cat, semi-hiding (c) QRM

To hide or not, though?

So I thought about just hiding on an alt. But is that what I really wanted? Would it make any sense to write an article that ended up being widely read and then just disappear completely from sight and have no more opportunity to comment on or influence the situation? Should I just make some nondescript, anonymous-looking account and just exist quietly there in the shadows? This is a dilemma that a lot of female users face, and I don't blame anyone for wanting to have a neutral-sounding username to just sidestep all the unwanted nonsense that comes with simply existing as a female online. The risks of being an openly female online gamer are not unknown.

"I don't blame anyone for wanting to have a neutral-sounding username to just sidestep all the unwanted nonsense that comes with simply existing as a female online."

According to ofcom,

..online harassment, stalking, threats or abuse ... are unwanted behaviours that can cause alarm and distress to other individuals, or put them in fear of violence. They can cause significant harm to individuals. Psychological impacts can include mental and emotional distress, isolation, and feeling unsafe both online and offline.

Evidence suggests that anyone can be subjected to these behaviours. However, there is more information about the adverse experiences of women on social media. Their exposure to these offences is often more prevalent, severe, and of greater impact compared to men, especially among certain groups such as women in the public eye, or women in the online gaming community.

This is relevant in that women on Lichess are members of the online gaming community, fulfilling two out of the three risk factors here. High-profile women fulfill all three, for example, famous female chess streamers.

Other factors can also play a part in the risk level:

Gender also intersects with age and race as a risk factor, with evidence suggesting that young women, and those in minority ethnic groups, are at highest risk of harassment and abuse.

So we can see that certain groups are more vulnerable to online abuse and harassment, including also members of the LGBTQIA+ community who choose to be open about their gender identity online. Anyone who is essentially "different" from the stereotypical white, male majority of online chess players is more likely to be a target. If women, girls, and other minorities are to feel safe to be open about who they are online, they need support from the whole community in terms of attitudes and behaviour.

In some ways, I want to do the opposite of hiding. A lot of people seem to want to suggest that I only play with Zen mode enabled, or turn off the ability for other users to message me as if it's somehow my problem the way everyone else is behaving. Of course, in one way it is my problem but I also feel the onus should not be on me to take all the actions to avoid it. I feel like the responsibility is not mine to prevent other people's bad behaviour towards me. Instead, I will leave it up to them to not harass, to not stalk, be creepy, or send weird, threatening, and offensive messages to my inbox. Unfortunately, cutting off my ability to communicate or be contacted doesn't work at all for me as a team leader and tournament organiser, people need to message me about pairings, missing opponents, adding teams to team battles, and so on.

I feel like the responsibility is not mine to prevent other people's bad behaviour towards me. Instead, I will leave it up to them to not harass, to not stalk, not be creepy, and to not send weird, threatening, and offensive messages to my inbox.

The opposite of hiding

I wanted to start streaming a while ago, simply because it looked like fun, and I am a sociable person. It seemed like a fun way to interact with friends and team members. The thought of how this might go, given how some people can behave (or misbehave) with female streamers put me off starting for a while. Again, I was annoyed at the thought of not doing something fun because of a fear of how some people might react or behave. So I started anyway and so far I am enjoying it and haven't had any major problems. As the follower count increases, I expect that might change though.

What can be done about it?

I asked the same question in my original blog, but I still wonder what the solution is, or probably what the solutions are, because I doubt there is one single thing that will resolve this issue. I am interested to know what readers think Lichess could do to make this website a more minority-friendly and inclusive online space. Personally, I feel that if there were many more female users on Lichess, if we were not in such an extreme minority, then the situation would be better to start with. No one really knows the proportion of Lichess users that are female, since that information is not needed to create an account, and many female users have a not-obviously-female username. I estimate maybe between 10-15 percent, but this is just a guess. Whatever the true figure, no one disputes that female chess players are very much in the minority.

I think one thing that helps greatly, is when reports of gender-related bullying, abuse, harassment, and stalking are dealt with quickly and decisively, and I think in the majority of cases, they are. The new reporting options that are available now on Lichess include a category for harassment/bullying/stalking and hate speech/sexism, and this helps to identify when this sort of behaviour is occurring so that it can be handled. Dealing with micro-aggressions also helps, for example reporting snide sexist comments in arena chat or the forum, since these can be insidious and not appear immediately obvious however the cumulative effect over time can be significant and discourage female users from playing chess.

Ragged Robin and Buttercups by the estuary (c)QRM

Conclusion

I am very grateful to all my friends here on Lichess for their support and friendship through all of this. I am still an ordinary 1600, still organise tournaments, play late-night crazyhouse, and support my team in Liga.

I have chosen not to hide, for now anyway. Time will tell if this is a good strategy or not.

Fritillary butterfly feeding on Burdock flowers in the mountains in Ireland (c) QRM

Links

Breaking the Silence Online
Breaking the Silence | Blog • lichess.org
Should I Report This? | Blog • lichess.org
Twitch
ofcom
Lichess Streamer

All opinions expressed in this article are my own and not necessarily those of Lichess