F1DE Announces rebrand for Grand Prix

FIDE, Fédération Internationale des Échecs, has announced that it is to rebrand in time for the coming Grand Prix Series. The Federation will replace the I with a figure 1 and become known as F1DE.

F1DE’s spokesman (definitely a man) said:

We’re about to have another F1DE Grand Prix, but it’s never been anything like a proper Grand Prix. People want faster, noisier chess and chess’ own Grid Girls, specially enhanced by our new sponsors Motiva. People want chess tournaments to be held under increasingly repressive regimes- just like the car races.

The fact that the F1 supremos have more money than Arkady Dvorkovich is proof that chess must become just like F1.

The future of chess is dramatic finishes. The World Championship shouldn’t have ended when Magnus went 7.5-3.5 ahead. We should have taken a leaf out of F1’s book, sent a safety car out to prevent further tilting from Nepo, and reset the scores at 6.5-6.5.

And when a player runs out of time, a clock running down to zero isn’t nearly dramatic enough for the spectators. That’s not real flagging. Real flagging involves a guy waving a massive chequered flag in your face. The flag even looks like a chess board. Maybe we can chuck a chessboard in your face when you’re flagged, to encourage quicker play?

In fact, we already have a square called F1 on the board and an opening called the Grand Prix Attack, as demonstrated by Mr Gotham Chess. Grand Prix AttackAnd we have even more sponsorship from environment-wrecking companies than they do, so we’ll be taking legal action against Motor Racing for basically stealing our sport.

The Grand Prix will decide the final two qualifiers for 2022’s Candidates Tournament, which will take place at the Four Seasons Pizza Takeaway, Madrid. Our attempt to book the Madrid HQ of Four Seasons Total Landscaping was unfortunately unsuccessful.