Why Bughouse Is Good for the Environment

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About a billion chess games have been played. Or maybe ten billion. I don't know. There are winners, losers, and those people who somehow find a way to produce the most disgusting result of all — a draw. Unfortunately, the biggest losers are us, the players. Indeed, even though people have been playing chess for hundreds of years, no one has asked what happens to the pieces that get captured.

Orthodox Chess

In orthodox chess, AKA standard chess, AKA international chess, AKA the only real form of chess according to closed-minded individuals, when you finish your OTB game, you set up the pieces for the next game. And you know there's going to be a next game, especially if you're down 7-6 and need that extra game to soothe your ego (of course you end up losing 20-6 and rage at the poor soul who agreed to play with you OTB). However, have you ever thought of what happens to your pieces in online chess? Are you using the same pieces each game, or are they always changing?

The answer, clearly, is that new pieces are being used each game. In orthodox chess, a capture ends a piece's life. Therefore, it only makes sense for the grand Lichess chess machine, the unfathomable chess piece creator, to create pieces anew for every novel chess game. Yes, the unthinkable is happening! I can hear your cries, environmentally-conscious people. How wasteful can it be to create new chess pieces for every chess game? Well, it doesn't just end there. The worst part of it all is that during the coronavirus pandemic, online chess was deceptively touted as a "cleaner" way of playing chess, cutting down on the environmentally dangerous traveling that has plagued OTB chess. Unfortunately, the masses were not informed about the gargantuan farce that was taking place.

To this end, it is important to find a solution to this catastrophic environmental problem. Enter crazyhouse.

Crazyhouse

Crazyhouse, a variant whose name is quite apt. I mean, just tell me what you feel when you view games like those. Perhaps the most popular chess variant, crazyhouse's piece drop rule has enthralled generations of chess players and served as a bridge between orthodox chess and shogi. But the piece drop rule isn't there because of pure coincidence — no, crazyhouse was mysteriously created to put a stop to the environmental damage caused by its predecessor, the much maligned orthodox chess.

Just think about it. You're playing a game of orthodox chess and you take your opponent's dubiously sacrificed knight. Well, that's that. The knight is gone. Imagine that same situation occurs when you're playing a game of crazyhouse, though. In crazyhouse, when you capture your opponent's knight, it doesn't just get discarded — no, it becomes yours! You understand the implication here, right? Yes! Crazyhouse allows for the recycling of chess pieces! Pieces are no longer discarded as, well, pieces of garbage. In fact, some crazyhouse games allow for a great deal of recycling. With crazyhouse, it seems that we have found the solution to all of our environmental concerns. Wait a hot second, though! What could be better than recycling? Well, more recycling! Enter bughouse.

Bughouse

Ah, bughouse. A game that attracts both friendly people who enjoy playing with a partner as well as toxic people who will always shift the blame onto their partner. What's that about shifting again? Oh, right! Pieces are shifted in bughouse and allow for more recycling to take place! Two piece sets, two times the recycling fun. Of course, you might be thinking to yourself, "Hey, doesn't more recycling mean more waste?" Well, yes, but two piece sets are also being saved from the tragic fate they would have met at the hands of orthodox chess.

In addition, online bughouse operates in an ideal environment. In the real world, recycling is only a temporary solution — the better solution would be to stop polluting in the first place. Moreover, "incorrect" recycling has done more harm than good. In online bughouse, though, these problems don't exist. Recycling the pieces, taking your opponent's piece and giving it to your partner, is the ultimate environmental good.

But wait! The positive environmental impact of bughouse doesn't end here ...

Scream(o)house

Another environmental advantage of bughouse is that it's a scream-heavy, intense physical affair. Unlike in orthodox chess, where silence permeates every tournament hall (barring the occasional sniffles and heavy snorting sounds), in bughouse, screaming is not only permitted (somewhat), but is usually encouraged. "Why in **************** are you moving you ***************. I told you to sit you *********" is the common battle cry of the honed bughouse warrior.

Now, you might be wondering why screaming is so beneficial for the environment. If anything, it's neutral. Or, if you're a thermodynamics nerd, you'd note that screaming increases the overall entropy in the universe. Wrong! Well, right, but, wrong! To fight for environmental change, to battle big corporations, you need to scream! You can't be an orthodox chess player who analyzes 30 moves of Najdorf theory and expect to effect environmental change. Do you think Greta Thunberg reached her worldwide recognition by analyzing the Marshall Gambit? No, of course not! Greta Thunberg is a bughouse player who sacs her queen every game because she doesn't believe in the monarchy. Trust me on this.

Through Loneliness and Despair

Like Bane, bughouse players have been molded by the darkness. Just imagine hearing this on repeat every day:

"Bughouse will ruin your chess."
"Bughouse has no international recognition."
"Bughouse is all about tactics."
"Bughouse is too random and partner-dependent."
"Bughouse is for weirdos." (NOU)

And what does loneliness and despair breed? Why, yes, empathy. Well, sometimes. In all cases, though, bughouse players can understand the plight of environmentally-conscious individuals, who are usually treated as outcasts — just like bughouse players are.

Protonhouse

Bughouse. Bug-house. Bug house. Yes! Bughouse supports insect agriculture, another environmentally-conscious practice. Checkmate, orthodox chess (on one board because if it occurs on two at the same time the game is declared a draw, of course).

Triplehouse

Time to meet the Goliath to end all Goliaths. The ultimate recycler, the most environmentally-friendly chess variant in history! Triplehouse, or bughouse played on three boards. The boards are set up in alternating fashion and the central board receives pieces from both the boards on their right and left. The central board, in turn, gives pieces to boards 1 and 3 and decides which pieces to give which board. Maximum recycling!

Call to Action

Seriously, though, the environment needs your help.

Here are some charities you can support:

https://www.catf.us/
https://www.ucsusa.org/
https://www.greenpeace.org.uk/

On Lichess, we take steps to reduce our environmental footprint. Hopefully a blog post by the Lichess team will help clarify all the steps taken to reduce Lichess' environmental impact.

Inspiration for this article: PlaynJoy on chesscom "The recycling of pieces in crazy and bug solves (to me) the greater issue of chess: a game can dry out due to massive trades."

If you hadn't noticed already, this is a troll post.