Lemurs: Criminals of the Animal Kingdom (also, possibly the dumbest thing that has ever been written on lichess)
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Many of you may be wondering, why hasn't clousems been posting dumb $#!+ that only I read? Well, inspired by that gorilla lady that went to a jungle or something to watch gorillas eat bananas, clousems decided to do his turn in the name of science! However, being the busy person that I am, I had a scheduling conflict with my vigilantism, so I decided to research animals as they pertain to crime.
Originally, I was going to post a narrative of the events that transpired (note: this is 100% true. I am slightly sleep deprived, and I recently discovered you can listen to radio episodes of Dragnet and Your's Truly, Johnny Dollar via YouTube, and had written an entire short story accompanying this post in the style of an old-timey radio program. If you really want to read the script of a spoof of radio serials involving porpoises, tax evasion, and a Lemur mob boss named Knuckles O'Doul, let me know and I'll post it), but then I thought better of it. Because someone might try to publish it and profit off of my encounter. So, I'll just take this time to give you some alarming facts about lemurs:
Lemur-related crime is covered up by the Lemur-Industrial complex. They also have really good PR. This is why you never hear about how every second, someone is getting car-jacked by a lemur. A good example of how capable they are at cover-ups: lemurs were responsible for the Bowling Green Massacre!
However, after painstaking research, I DID actually manage to find a case of a rogue Lemur attacking a Hispanic woman in Miami. Not only are lemurs violent, carjacking, criminal masterminds, but they also happen to be sexist! And Racist!
I also found a video of a mob of lemurs attacking a BBC reporter. This is further evidence of the highly Stalinistic policies of lemurs.
Other atrocities that were falsely labelled as being "non-lemur related" include:
-Watergate
-Placing an ancient Voodoo curse on all who play center for the Portland Trailblazers.
-Burning Man (an ancient Lemur festival that did, in fact, involve burning a man)
-Friday (the song, not the day of the week)
-The "natural" death of Lemmy (gasp!)
-The monorail in Detroit
-Daylight Savings Time
-Snubbing American History X at the Oscars
In Conclusion: Lemurs are Sexist, Racist, creatures who represent the antithesis of societal goals.
Yesterday, Lance5500 proved that he is not only a master over the board, but one in the chat as well.
As many of you know, I have launched a campaign to determine whether or not Lance5500 (not going to link him, for fear of his wrath) is, in fact, the Goblin King from Labyrinth. I have been following his simuls, watching his tournaments, and monitoring his profile page for any evidence for this, even point blank asking him in the yearly rapid, to which he never responded.
But then, last night, as I was playing in a tournament, someone posted a simul link. As is my policy, I was going to use the flagrant advertisement as a way to advertise a team, but, as soon as I arrived, I saw the name of the Simul: Lance5500 Simul. And that is when Lance delivered the crushing blow. He merely said "Hello clousems"
The greeting was so simple, and yet brutal. At once, I realized that he not only knew that I thought he was David Bowie, but he had been keeping up with my investigations. And he knew exactly who I was.
After having a major fanboy moment (for those of you who don't know, Lance5500 is one of the gods of Lichess) at realizing that he knew who I was, I fled to the Daily Atomic Arena, seeking sanctuary. But as soon as the tournament ended, I realized that there would be no escaping the Lance in the realm of lichess. Distraught, I went to a local club. But then I realized that everyone there was doing a new dance! I asked the bartender what the name of the dance was, and he responded "the Lance Prance." Suddenly, the world around me started shifting, as though I were a cliche special effect in a suspense film. I ran out of the club, hopped in my car, and drove all the way to my parents' house. I ran in the house, hoping that they would have advice, when suddenly, I saw a chessboard.
"Heavens to Betsy!" I cried, realizing that Lance had taught my parents to play chess, just so they could beat me in it.
So I hopped in my car and drove all the way to Russia, which is where Lance is from. Long story short, I am allowed back on lichess, but I now owe him 20% of the gross revenue I make from the Grover Cleveland rock opera.
In summary, Lance is OP in everything. Don't mess with Lance.
Eskimo
Clousems views on the trolley problem:
(
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Trolley_problem).
I think we should use the market to decide who to save from the trolley. Prices are a signal of one's valuation of a good/service, in this case survival. Obviously, considering that we live in a positive-transaction cost world, we should allow both parties to be able to negotiate the good, which will henceforth be called the NTVP (non-trolley-victim permit). This should create a fair system in which one party will be granted the rights not to be hit by a trolley, and the other party will have enough monetary compensation that they will reach a level of indifference when they are hit by the trolley. Thus, no party will be harmed, and, one could argue, the other party will potentially be helped, if we assume gains from trade occur in this scenario.
Vigilante Activities Update
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As many of you know, I have been engaged in vigilante-related activities for quite some time now. For those of you who were unaware of this: I have been engaged in vigilante activities for quite some time now. However, it appears that dressing up as a Glam Rocker and beating up people who drive on I-66 towards Washington in the morning without following proper HOV lane procedure is not all there is to vigilantism. Apparently, the Union still won't accept me until I emphasize justice, which they do not consider traffic violations to be a breach thereof.
As a result, I have expanded my vigilante operations to be more "justice-oriented," so I can join the Intramural Vigilante Union Basketball League.
The first way I did this was by using my martial arts skills to thoroughly annihilate anyone who split infinitives, as proper usage of grammar is the foundation upon which justice may be enacted.
I then began addressing the root cause of unjust actions: a lack of moral fiber. Whenever I see anyone who takes part in an action that I deem unjust, I decide to help them increase their moral fiber intake by pelting them with bran muffins, while shouting such taglines as "taste the justice!" or "are you getting enough moral fiber in your diet?"
Naturally, pelting shoplifters with morality muffins while dressed as a Jani Lane has lead to some confusion with the authorities, but aside from this, I feel as though the whole vigilante thing has gone quite swimmingly.
GM clousems at the Autumn Marathon:
As of this post, I am currently doing epicly at the Autumn marathon. How epicly? I rank ahead of EricRosen. To make it even more epicly epic, I am using the Bongcloud.
Just wanted to record my epicly epic epicness for posterity.
Also, isn't it about time I receive the ClouseMs title? Mr. Thibs should get on that.
Meanwhile, I am still investigating those pigeons in that empty lot. It started out as a Rear Window type deal, but now its become more disturbing: one of the pigeons is totally going all "Bride of Re-animator" and attaching bat wings to its head. This seems a bit redundant, considering that pigeons already are capable of flight, but, hey, he's living the dream, I guess. However, considering that these birds are engaging in murder sprees as well as necromancy, I am considering calling Animal Control. Or KFC. Whichever is easier.
How to spend Halloween the clousems way
Ah, Halloween. That beloved time of year when young children dress up as murderers in order to extort candy from those adults who are too lame to go to really bad parties as a homage to the wholesome practices of pagans. This delightful holiday is nearly here, and many of you are probably wondering, how is clousems going to spend his Halloween?
I plan on following the same formula as every year: Going to a Halloween party; being too lazy to put on a costume, so I pretend I am dressed as Kevin Bacon's character in Friday the 13th (yes, Kevin Bacon was in that) or John Saxon in Nightmare on Elm Street; getting bored; returning home, and finally digging a punji pit to dissuade potential TPers (note: clousems does not endorse the use of punji spikes as anti-graffiti devices) and watching movies.
Some common questions I get about my Halloween procedure:
Q. How do you quantify your Halloween's success?
A. Halloween success is measured by amount of total financial loss avoided.
Q. How do I minimize my Halloween-based losses
A. Great question!
1) Do not buy candy. Instead, give trick-or-treaters various household chores. That way, they get something, and you save money on a plumber.
2) If you are out of household chores, you can hurl insults at the trick or treaters. They love this, as it gives them something to talk about with their friends. A good example is "I don't give candy to people who share your political affiliation and/or ethical views."
3) Another technique is the "this is totally a costume" trick, in which you claim you are costumed as a peripheral character from a random horror movie. This saves on costume money.
4) Renting/buying horror movies is for chumps. If you look hard enough, you can probably find the movie for free on Youtube.
5) If you DO get forced into giving out candy, go trick-or-treating yourself, and just redistribute the candy.
6) Parties often have free food. The key is to maximize the amount of parties you go to, while minimizing the amount of interactions with the other guests. This way, you avoid costs associated with wasted time.
7) The best way to maximize the amount of parties, and thus refreshments, is to ignore such petty concepts as "invitations." If you see a party, waltz right in, take the food, and scamper off like a frightened bunny rabbit. If questioned, claim that you're here "with Chaz." Since Chaz is such a cool guy, they will let you in.
omg
@clousems more people should join this team 🤣🤣🤣🤣
Sorry I haven't posted anything insane here lately. Been working on viewing more hilariously bad movies--which is causing my sanity to plummet further. I'm now convinced that I am the subject of a movie, called the clousems Show, secretly being filmed through my washing machine. It's about me watching really bad movies, going insane, and developing a delusion that involves me being videoed from my washing machine while I watch bad movies and go insane, which causes me to watch more bad movies to take my mind off of it. This, logically, has led to me going more insane, fearing that the dryer is getting in on the recording action and uploading it to some social media site that I am unaware of. Consequently, I begin to watch bad movies, and become convinced that my life is being filmed by the washing machine...
Also, I am eating pancakes.
clousems' vigilante fashion line, now available at Sear's:
I was recently approached by a man who works for the wildly successful Sear's department store, who offered me an exciting business opportunity: apparently, Sear's was so impressed by my vigilanitsm that they wanted to purchase the exclusive rights to a clothing line inspired by my hip, sexy vigilante outfits. Naturally, I did not believe him, as I doubted anyone would really be interested in looking like Jani Lane (who, if you recall, is a major influence on my vigilante costume). But then I remembered: Sear's is still stuck in the 80's, so this could totally work! Unfortunately, I messed up the negotiations, and instead of receiving a lump sum, I now receive 20% of the gross profits of this enterprise. Since nobody actually uses Sear's anymore, this could be problematic.
Save the whales
