Considering all of the fighting between liberals and conservatives, I have decided to make the 'clousems party,' a political party based on the idea that I'm great. I will be running for office on behalf of said party. Here is our proposed platform:
-Standing during the National Anthem: Everyone will be required to stand to our nation's new anthem, "Livin' on a Prayer" by Bon Jovi. This will replace the Star Spangled Banner, which is set to the tune of a British drinking song, and nobody knows the lyrics to the Star Spangled Banner anyways, except for the first verse.
-Abortion, LGBTQ issues, AIDS, aides, proper spelling of potatoes/potatos/potati, the 2020 NBA dunk contest, and other highly controversial issues: Dear [insert name of a secular deity], I ain't touching any of these issues. My VP can deal with that crap. Besides, I plan on finding a running mate nobody likes anyways, so I don't get assassinated. Does anyone have Spiro Agnew's number?
-Infrastructure: Build more stuff
-Environment: Build less stuff
- Trade Policy: Build the same amount of stuff
-Economy: I plan on going full-out Quesnay. Nobody has tried Physiocracy in a while. Might be fun. If that doesn't work, just go 100 percent laissez faire, because that means I have more free time, while appeasing the libertarians.
-Foreign Policy: I have a plan for world domination involving war penguins.
-National Defense: Build a giant Vauban-esque fortress encompassing the continental United States. Should stimulate the economy as well. Alaska, Hawaii, and Puerto Rico can fend for themselves.
-Immigration: If anyone manages to get through the aforementioned Vauban-esque fortress, then they've probably earned the right to be citizens. As well as the right to go to an insane asylum, because that would be crazy.
-US Flag: Like the national anthem, kind of outdated. We need something that shows how bad-a** the united states is. Like a grizzly bear in an M1A2 wearing Aviator sunglasses. Product placement may be used to reduce the national debt.
-National Debt: In addition to the product placement on the flag, I would be willing to sell California, Wyoming, Newt Gingrich, Sarah Palin, Al Gore, and the Kardashians. I feel like we could make some serious money.
-Taxes: Tax people in other countries
-Healthcare: Everybody gets the same amount of healthcare coverage: two advils and a tube of Vicks Vaporub.
-Torte reform: Replace tortes with cheesecakes.
-Legal reform: In Hans Talhoffer's Fechtbuch, he details a manner of combat involving something called a 'throated hooking shield' for legal disputes. It would make CSPAN much more interesting.
Let me know what other issues you care about, as well as what answer I should provide. I appreciate your vote!
-Standing during the National Anthem: Everyone will be required to stand to our nation's new anthem, "Livin' on a Prayer" by Bon Jovi. This will replace the Star Spangled Banner, which is set to the tune of a British drinking song, and nobody knows the lyrics to the Star Spangled Banner anyways, except for the first verse.
-Abortion, LGBTQ issues, AIDS, aides, proper spelling of potatoes/potatos/potati, the 2020 NBA dunk contest, and other highly controversial issues: Dear [insert name of a secular deity], I ain't touching any of these issues. My VP can deal with that crap. Besides, I plan on finding a running mate nobody likes anyways, so I don't get assassinated. Does anyone have Spiro Agnew's number?
-Infrastructure: Build more stuff
-Environment: Build less stuff
- Trade Policy: Build the same amount of stuff
-Economy: I plan on going full-out Quesnay. Nobody has tried Physiocracy in a while. Might be fun. If that doesn't work, just go 100 percent laissez faire, because that means I have more free time, while appeasing the libertarians.
-Foreign Policy: I have a plan for world domination involving war penguins.
-National Defense: Build a giant Vauban-esque fortress encompassing the continental United States. Should stimulate the economy as well. Alaska, Hawaii, and Puerto Rico can fend for themselves.
-Immigration: If anyone manages to get through the aforementioned Vauban-esque fortress, then they've probably earned the right to be citizens. As well as the right to go to an insane asylum, because that would be crazy.
-US Flag: Like the national anthem, kind of outdated. We need something that shows how bad-a** the united states is. Like a grizzly bear in an M1A2 wearing Aviator sunglasses. Product placement may be used to reduce the national debt.
-National Debt: In addition to the product placement on the flag, I would be willing to sell California, Wyoming, Newt Gingrich, Sarah Palin, Al Gore, and the Kardashians. I feel like we could make some serious money.
-Taxes: Tax people in other countries
-Healthcare: Everybody gets the same amount of healthcare coverage: two advils and a tube of Vicks Vaporub.
-Torte reform: Replace tortes with cheesecakes.
-Legal reform: In Hans Talhoffer's Fechtbuch, he details a manner of combat involving something called a 'throated hooking shield' for legal disputes. It would make CSPAN much more interesting.
Let me know what other issues you care about, as well as what answer I should provide. I appreciate your vote!
