Willy's Wonderland

I heard about this Nicolas Cage movie, and, like any true Scotsman, I thought to myself "I liked Nicolas Cage in Ghost Rider 2: Spirit of Van Damme, so I should watch it."

I was aghast.

Hollywood has once again ripped off my life rights.

Sure, there are differences. In the historically accurate version, a handsome, dashing hero named clousems Snicklefritz O'Connor does battle with the freaky animatronics at a Chuck-E-Cheese in Terre Haute.
For reference, here's a brief summary of that night:

I was at a birthday party for some lame-ass kid who liked Chuck-E-Cheese. While I can't recall the exact circumstances, I assume that I was bribed, because I would never enter a Chuck-E-Cheese under any other pretense. Anyways, I entered the Chuck-E-Cheese, and was chagrined to find the entire place was teeming with loser kids. Not a giallo movie in sight! Not even a krimi! I'd actually have to TALK to these loser kids.
Dejected, I decided to return to the table, where some loser kids were eating pizza. I made the mistake of trying a bite. "Zounds," I exclaimed, "this pizza is almost as bad as Dominos!*" Furious, I stormed to the CHUDs who were delivering the pizzas. I then proceeded, in the most polite way possible, to register my complaint about the quality of the pizza. They stared at me, bewildered by the fact that a dashing and handsome person actually entered the hellhole.

It was a perfectly reasonable reaction: My pecs glistened in the weird disco-light thing. My long, golden hair flowed like urine from the ball-pit. My rugged jawline was more well-defined than the token prices at the front counter. My pet tiger, Mr. Pigou**, was utterly kickass.

https://imgur.com/evWWYyj

(it's a photo of me. Lichess can't host my awesomeness)
So, I decided to let the CHUDs stare in amazement at my hotness for a moment. After all, it's not often that a Cannibalistic Humanoid Underground Dweller gets to see God's greatest work of art. I thought 5 minutes would be sufficient.

Yet, even after 5 minutes, these CHUDs didn't move-- they just stared. "Now look here, CHUDs," I said, "I realize that I look suspiciously similar to Fabio, but you do need to get me some better pizza. Chop-chop." The CHUDs snarled and sulked off. This enraged me and Mr. Pigou. But I decided to play it classy, and continued to be polite. "To whom it may concern," I shouted after them, "your respective mothers have higher admission rates than Arizona State University"
They turned, snarled, and turned back. Clearly, only something truly offensive would land on these monsters.
"... and they thought 'Little Nicky' was funny!"

This barb, of course, is too much for any living creature to suffer, be they man or CHUD. And so, the army of pizza-serving CHUDs rushed me.

It was utter chaos. CHUDs were sent flying by my roundhouse kicks. Mr. Pigou went into a feeding frenzy. Children ransacked the prize counter. Someone ate a whole slice of pizza before vomiting.

A passing minstrel, who was also miserable with the pizza, immortalized the moment in song:
"In 2014, we took a little trip
Along with clousems Snickl'fritz down the mighty Route 63
We took a little cheese and we took a little cardboard
And we caught the bloody CHUDs in the town of Terre Haute

He kicked some ass and the servers kept a-comin'
There wasn't as many as there was a while ago
The tiger bit one's head and they began to runnin'
On down the Wabash River to the Gulf of Mexico"

Strangely, the song is set to the tune of Ben Folds' "Brick".

Finally, one of the CHUDs pressed a big, red, flashy button. It was a really, really cool button. But what the button did was certainly NOT cool-- I was surrounded by five giant animatronic demons, trying to force-feed me the demon pizza!
"Eat the pizza!" said one robot that looked suspiciously like Grimace.
"Fie on you, jagoff!" I responded, punching its head off.

A grungy looking robo-rat-- the eponymous Chuck E.-- pointed a Glock at me, gangsta style. "I'm gonna turn you into Swiss Chuck E Cheese." Apparently, Chuck E was in love-- but with murder!
I quickly dove for a slice of pizza and slapped him with it. It did nothing, which I should have expected. But Mr. Pigou came to the rescue! The big cat pounced, clawing a hole through the abomination. Together, we finished off the remaining robo-rejects.

The customers cheered. I was carried off by a horde of supermodels to a Popeye's Chicken, and we played cribbage all through the night.
To this day, my war with Chuck E Cheese remains the only thing interesting about Terre Haute
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Compare that to Willy's Weekend, in which a drifter who is similarly duped into entering a Chuck E Cheese is forced to fight for his life against the animatronics. Blatant plagiarism, right?

On the upside, the movie does have Nicolas Cage doing battle with Chuck E Cheese, which is something we all deserve to see. Plus, it does do a good job of showing how creepy those animatronics were.

3/4 stars. It only gets the 4th star when I get a fourth of its profits.

*Terrible pizza is a registered trademark of Dominos. All rights reserved.
** I named him after the cartoon character Mr. Magoo and the economist Arthur Pigou. He's quite cuddly.