I am obsessed with lifetime records and a very sore loser - I need help

Have always been obsessed with numbers when I was a little kid. I thought it had calmed down since. Nope, terribly backfiring. Mental math is my strongest point. Have autistic traits and an erratic personality (less in public though), especially right now as a teenager.

Whenever I play somebody, I basically identify them as a rating, instead of a name. This is messed up. I know. If it's an online game, I will check their profile, and to their rating, and their peak rating, and their victory ratio, etc., comparing with mine. Real-life tournament game? Checking the pairings paper, and absorbing the Elo of my opponent like a sponge. (I wish I could do that literally, imagine absorbing the strength of a 2200 player?!?)

Lately, I played a tournament with a bunch of kids, I was the oldest one, basically the Goliath of the thing. I'm like 1300 rated over the board, you 2000 players are probably lol right now. Guess what? Finished fucking third and won literally nothing because the second place had stronger opponents than me (there were only two cups, my luck), a 1000 rated 9 year old won all his games including against me and went first place. Took me a while to stop being salty about that, I tried telling myself it's more of a cool story if David wins after all. The little guy will have a great tale to tell his parents now.

Also lost an OTB game against a 13 year old that's literally 500 points lower rated than me on lichess, also took a while to get over it, but I eventually did (won my last 6 games with him).

Have a 1-14 record against a player that's similar rated to me. Another similar-rated player, I couldn't beat for like 10 games, I used to be well ahead in h2h, it was reversed. Had 2-10 against a player 100 lower rated than me, made it a bit better recently but still well trailing. All of these leave sour tastes in my mouth, because it makes me feel I am not worthy of the rating I am. Like "WHY CAN'T I BEAT THIS GIRL/GUY? WHY AM I SO BAD?! FU%]@!"

Many times too, I have lost completely won games, giving my opponents all the reasons to never resign. When the opponent has 2 pieces left and I have 10, I still have a good chance of losing.

Let's try to be objective and put myself back in perspective: I have potential. It is hindered by my psyche's weakness. I stop thinking properly when I'm completely winning, as well as when I lost several times. Whenever I lose a couple times, I enter a negative vortex, where I am too salty to think well, and keep losing, and trying again, and still losing. Maybe some of you can relate. I know I should just take a break when that happens. Just rest, reset my brain, then try again refreshed.

I can't. Why? Sore loser. I cannot accept to quit after losing. It leaves me with regret that eats into my heart. This is ridiculous. This must stop. And I have expressed it. Here's one thing I think I did good.

I know this was written two weeks ago but I just stumbled across it and was surprised no-one had responded.

So, first, in relation to viewing people as ratings: I don't think what you're describing is that unreasonable. I've played over 1000 games on Lichess and I couldn't tell you the name of a single other player. I look at the rating and decide if I want to play that rating.

It sounds like you're being over-confident or not really trying when you play people you perceive to be weaker. It's understandable - I think we all do it to some extent (I know I do). The question is how to guard against it. A few thoughts:
* Give yourself time when making decisions in a winning situation - don't fall into the trap of not paying the same attention to your moves as when you're in a harder situation. This may mean forcing to yourself to not just make the first move you see, but to think through the move as if you were behind, or setting a minimum time for yourself when you make moves
* If winning is important to you, focus on that - don't look to try and demolish or humiliate an opponent. In other words, KISS: "Keep It Simple, Stupid"
* When you enter games with weaker players, set yourself goals other than winning. Decide you're going to try and play a particular move or learn more about certain positional advantages/disadvantages. Sure this might lead to you losing some games but you'll learn more about chess and yourself by doing so

Also, this might sound a bit patronizing, but: teenagers are crap at making decisions. This is scientifically supported - for example see Blakemore, S. J., & Robbins, T. W. (2012). Decision-making in the adolescent brain. Nature neuroscience, 15(9), p1184, or Casey, B. J., & Caudle, K. (2013). The teenage brain: Self control. Current directions in psychological science, 22(2), p.82-87. So the rash decisions, "snatching defeat from the jaws of victory" and so on are as likely to be a developmental stage as a part of you. It's almost certain that you'll get better at making those sort of decisions with age.

Letting defeats or negative situations spiral is more difficult to deal with. I set myself a maximum number of sequential defeats in a day ie if I lose 4 in a row I decide that I'm clearly not concentrating and I move on to something else. I know it sounds trite, but put a barrier between your success or failure at Chess before you do something else - as you say, take a break, then do something different.

Thanks for an insightful and overall helpful reply, which I will be sure to take advice from.

> It sounds like you're being over-confident or not really trying when you play people you perceive to be weaker.

Not exactly. I actually fear losing and being put to shame. There is a little voice in my head that says "Rabbinvane, you'll lose this. Dumbass." A part of me just resigns itself to that, which does lead to a fog in front of my brain, which is unable to think properly about its moves.

If I do get through that stage and have a winning position, the feeling strengthens. Basically anything I do can be a blunder at this point. I have lost several games in real-life where I had a substantial advantage, because I played like a 500 Elo after earning that advantage. It's almost like I want to lose, somehow. Maybe I just want to lower external expectations of myself. Maybe these expectations are what's putting so much pressure on me. I need to get rid of that all.

> If winning is important to you, focus on that - don't look to try and demolish or humiliate an opponent. In other words, KISS: "Keep It Simple, Stupid"

Really, I basically never did that. I'm already struggling enough with not humiliating/demolishing myself. If I am even able to focus on winning, I absolutely will.

> When you enter games with weaker players, set yourself goals other than winning. Decide you're going to try and play a particular move or learn more about certain positional advantages/disadvantages.

I have actually tried that recently, but because it is not natural (yet) it frequently runs off my mind. I do believe it is a good way of overall improval.

> Also, this might sound a bit patronizing, but: teenagers are crap at making decisions.

Not patronizing, just truthful. I absolutely know that and am no exception. It is a tricky life stage for sure, but since time travel does not exist (yet), I should just have fun and profit of the little good things in life. I don't nearly do that enough.

I should indeed just put an immoveable barrier where I just stop for a while if things are getting too bad. I've thought about that before, but not firmly enough. You give me more motivation to do it - again, thank you for this.