Kong Island

Depending on who you talk to, the original King Kong movie is either brilliant or not brilliant. To this day, I don't think there is a concensus about whether or not it is a good film. Either way, though, it is an iconic film.

Most iconic films are ripped off by either the Italians or the Japanese. (Once in a while, it's the Russians, but those ones aren't nearly as interesting. They're all about superheroes that turn into bears or birds. Seriously, Russia: up your rip-off game. Why not a superhero that turns into a snorlax? Or a BEAR that turns into a snorlax? That would be a great Avengers rip-off.)

This is an Italian rip-off of a Japanese rip-off of King Kong.

Unfortunately, despite the Japanese influence, there are no snorlax bears in or on Kong Island. Also, there's no Kong (thankfully).

The film starts with a band (okay, they only had the budget for 3 mercenaries, but it was SUPPOSED to be a band) of mercenaries attacking some people in a jungle. The excitement only ramps up from there, as the mercenaries begin discussing the allocations of their payroll accounts. Finally, one of the mercenaries shoots the other guys and leaves. This being an Italian flick, porn music is piped in over some opening credits that use aliases, and we are transported into a world of low-budget confusion. In this case, "low budget confusion" involves gorilla lobotomies. Although, let's be honest: unless this is your first time reading one of my movie synopses, that shouldn't be all that weird for you.

Our hero is named Burt. He was one of the mercenaries that got shot arguing about whether his pension was being properly allocated. He is a terrible dancer.

Burt leaves Africa and arrives in... Nairobi (which is an island, apparently), trying to track down a mad scientist named Albert. Or possibly to sleep with one of his many scantily clad ex-girlfriends. He decides to join one of the hussies overly flirtatious ex-girlfriends on a sacred monkey hunt. And yes, the woman literally describes tommorrow's planned activity as a "sacred monkey hunt". Apparently, Europeans love going to Africa and shooting deities for sport, and it's common enough that there is a name for it.

After a random fight scene, Burt's love interest Harambabe (probably not her actual name), Harambabe's brother Robert, and some other people go out monkey hunting. It's a little unclear as to whether Burt actually goes on the expedition. It is a very bad movie. This being an Italian movie set in an exotic location, we are treated to a bunch of animals fighting. Then there is a lengthy scene where Harambabe undresses, while being stared at by a couple of asthmatic dudes in gorilla costumes. The asthmatic dudes kidnap her. Robert blames it on robots and the guy who shot Burt in the beginning. In reality, it turns out that the gorillas are being mind-controlled by Alfred (a guy who Burt happens to know), and Burt undergoes a really dumb quest to save the Harambabe. He fights African wildlife. He fights Masaai. He meets a naked girl who was raised by apes (and who really makes me wish I had waited to assign the nickname "Harambabe").

In what is quite possibly the worst scene ever captured on film, he yells "ARE YOU THE SACRED MONKEY?" while straddling the poor woman. Then he proceeds to bully this woman for not speaking English. (Incidentally, it turns out that she IS the sacred monkey, whatever the hell that means).

Naturally, this all leads to a climatic knife fight with a guy named "Turk".

Finally, Burt defeats the gorillas by shooting a wall. He and Harambabe sail into the sunset.

In summary: it is a very bad movie.