I have an opinion about Hans Niemann

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Hello, all.

As you are no doubt aware, a scandal has recently rocked the chess world and I, as a chess player with limited knowledge of the individuals involved and zero conception of statistics, artificial intelligence, advanced cheating techniques, and human nature in general, would like to give my opinion on Hans Niemann that without question needed to be said and moreover preferably spread to all corners of the internet.

First off, let me assure you that I have gone over every game of Niemann's both OTB and online, listened to every interview, spoke with several foreign accent experts (including myself), and conducted extensive research at my own financial expense upon the manufacture, design, and bodily placement options of all commonly available electronic bead products. I have also rented several movies to better acquaint myself on the practical considerations of certain allegations against Mr. Niemann.

Having established my credentials, I'd like to begin with some graphs. Here's one charting Niemann's OTB rating with two often overlooked factors: the average price of one share of Domino's Pizza and the fuel efficiency of Norwegian vehicles since 2013. I believe the correlations here are too obvious to ignore.

If that were not damning enough, here is another, equally revealing statistical analysis.

Finally, here is a song I wrote about Hans Niemann that should clear up any further questions the general public might have.

The Ballad of Hans Niemann.

Regards,

• Zug