The Ancient Romans were stupid.
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People always talk about how smart the Ancient Romans were, mainly because it makes the person talking about the ancient Romans seem more intelligent than they actually were. Sure, the Romans did some cool stuff. Things like aqueducts and the republican form of government were great. But that doesn't mean they were particularly smart. Like how they kept killing off their emperors. Or when, at the battle of Carrhae, they all forgot that bows have a slightly longer range than a 3 foot long sword.
But the greatest example of the stupidity of the Romans has to involve gladiator fights. I'm not even talking about the institution of gladiatorial combat (I think that gladatorial combat and/or jousting should be used to solve all disputes involving legal matters, including speeding tickets).
No, the stupidity award goes to a certain type of gladiator combat.
In order to fully appreciate the dumb-dumb-ness, you should have some background knowledge on gladiators.
The ancient romans were very organized in the designation and equipping of their gladiators. For example, the Thraex were equipped like those annoying Thracians who kept bugging the Caesers. The hoplomachii were dressed like the Greek hoplites. The retarius (fisherman) would be given a fishing net and a trident.
In order to simulate the natural order of the universe, in which the fisherman tries to hunt fish, these gladiators would face off against the murmillo, gladiators who dressed up like a giant fish.
Yes, you read that right. Vicious killers battled it out in the Roman sun while wearing giant metal fish heads. Because nothing quite recalls that peaceful tranquility of a quiet fishing trip like an angry 6-foot tall smelly man, wearing nothing but a 10 pound bronze fish head and a skirt that would not pass my high school's dress code, trying to impale a fisherman with a sword.
UPDATE: I anticipate the TCM insane ramblings to be back very soon. Thank you for your patience/lack of interest
As you all know, lemurs are my mortal enemies. They are terrifying, soulless creatures who don't even acknowledge the existence of capitalism, and they never laugh at my hilarious jokes (I think this is purely out of spite).
For the past few months, I have been fortunate to have avoided any lemur encounters. Until yesterday.
On my way home from the store, I was caught in a torrential rain storm, which is never a good sign. Especially because this was one of those foreshadowing literary storms, rather than a regular thunderstorm. And then the lightning struck.
In that split second of illumination, I could make out a number of peculiar shadows; though they did not appear human, the shadows looked as if they belonged to creatures which walked upright, not unlike a man. Then, in a single awful moment, that most terrifying and dreadful truth made manifest itself in my mind: the lemurs were following me!
Then a great chase began. The lemurs followed me like like haunting spirits, mirroring my every turn. Only when I reached a toll road did the lemure(1) lemurs cease their terrible pursuit, as they had neglected to obtain a toll pass.
(1) In Ancient Rome, the lemures were restless spirits of the deceased, not dissimilar to the German poltergeist.
clousems looks for a job in a post-apocalyptic job market
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With all of the criminals staying indoors due to social distancing regulations (which is really ironic), clousems has discovered that he now has more free time, due to the less demanding vigilante schedule. So I decided to look for a real job- Vigilanting is great for making connections, and has surprisingly good dental insurance, but the pay's low.
Unfortunately, I realized: There is literally no job hiring right now that would be a good fit for me. All the available jobs are at Target and technical writing. I couldn't work at target, because it would be way to tempting to hurl various projectile weapons at the bullseye signs all over the store, and I don't think management would be okay with me chucking a goddamn hunga munga at the customer service deck when I'm supposed to be helping with checkout.
As for technical writing...can you even imagine? I'd probably slip up and accidentally write something about chucking a goddamn hunga munga at the customer service desk of a Target.
As a result, I decided to start a small business. The good thing about starting your own small business is that you get to be your own boss, and you get to make sure your ideas are executed. The bad thing is that all of the good ideas are already taken, so you either have to rely on a $#!++¥ idea or get sued for copyright infringement. Naturally, I chose the former, and I created a low-budget non-assassination agency. So far, I'm proud to say that we have done a great job at not assasinating anyone.
I would like to engage your service to not assassinate the staff at my local pizza place because they make the best pizza in maybe the whole World,and any replacement pizza makers would by definition be inferior and I would not like that.
Accordingly,could you forward me a copy of your ToS and all rates and charges.
Bugs would look weird with ears
Star Wars is Jedi propaganda.
I recently rewatched the "Star Wars" prequels (side rant: I cannot, for the life of me, figure out if I'm a Star Wars nerd or not. I don't really consume much of the star wars media (I haven't even watched all of the movies), but I know random things that only star wars nerds know. Things like the answer to the question "What is the name of that assassin espresso machine in Empire Strikes Back". It's IG 88, if you're curious. Anyways, back to the main rant) for the first time as an adult. As a child, I only watched it for the laser swords and jetpacks and shit, but as an adult, I realized that there is a plot line.
That plot line is as follows:
In response to an seperatist movement (somewhat perpetrated by the Federal government), the Senate granted greater executive authority to the head of government as an emergency measure to ensure a swift end to a Civil War. This leader used the executive authority to crush the seperatist movement and, although his means were sometimes of questionable morality (sending Anakin to attack the Jedi Temple in a form of total war), led the Republic to victory.
For comparison, Abraham Lincoln (who was elected in response to a seperatist movement--one which was exacerbated by lincoln's response to fort Sumter) was granted greater executive authorityas the head of the government as an emergency measure to ensure a swift end to the Civil War. He used the executive authority to crush the seperatist movement and, although his means were sometimes of questionable morality (sending Sherman to attack Atlanta in a form of total war) led the Republic to victory.
Making the analogy more intriguing, both had a revolving door of generals (Scott, McClellan, Halleck, Grant for Lincoln; Darth Maul, Christopher Lee, Grevious, Vader for the Emperor), both imprisoned important political figures by suspending the writ of habeas corpus (George P. Brown for Lincoln, Princess Leia for the Emperor), both were assasinated (obviously), both appointed a member of the opposing party as their second-in-command (Andrew Johnson, Anakin Skywalker), and both could, and often did, shoot lightning bolts from their hands.
The biggest difference I can see is that the Emperor brought down an organization of vigilante, fanatic space wizards who launched a campaign to murder all the members of another space wizard cult, while I'm pretty sure Lincoln didn't do that. I'm also not sure if Palpatine freed the slaves, but technically, neither did Lincoln. That was a Constitutional Amendment that did that.
I feel like I should be ranting about something amusing, but I'm kinda distracted by game 5 of the NBA finals. So, I guess I'm just gonna type a stream of consciousness thingy about basketball and call it a night.
There are a lot of tall people playing basketball. Many of them are well above 6'2''. I wonder if Lebron James sees the rest of the world as those dancing midgets from Stonehenge?
Now that I think about it, I guess it's a little odd for everyone to care so much about a bunch of enormous dudes playing with a bouncy ball at Disney World.
I have to wonder sometimes about the quality of NBA coaching. Why doesn't one side use biological warfare as a strategy? It seems to me that finding a sick person and getting them to cough on Anthony Davis or Jimmy Butler would be much easier than finding someone who can guard Anthony Davis or Jimmy Butler. Another strategy that I believe is underused in basketball these days is trying to remind the opposing ballhandler that, win or lose, they are still entirely insignificant on a cosmic scale. Or maybe try to convince them that they are living in the Matrix, and that the only way out of the Matrix is to lose the game. I would think that existential crises would make it more difficult to succesfully set up a pick and roll. Does the roll man even exist? Does it even matter?
In my opinion, the only time an NBA player ever even scratched the surface of unconventional defenses was that time when Lance Stephenson tied someone's shoelaces together mid-game.
On the offensive side, it seems to me that the best course of action would be to have all of your players file for temporary restraining orders against the other team. If anyone tries to play defense, conduct a citizens arrest on them, until they don't have enough players and are forced to forfeit. Another option would be to have one player enthrall the defenders with recitations of epic poetry or the Vulgate Cycle. I bet Udonis Haslem is one hell of a raconteur, and it would give him a way to contribute to a basketball game for the first time in a decade.
Conclusions are overrated.
How to have a COVID Halloween
Last year, I provided tips on how to profit from Halloween. This year, things get more complicated. COVID is messing shit up. But that doesn't mean that you can't still have a... what adjective do you use for Halloween?
According to the CDC, one way to celebrate halloween is "Doing a Halloween scavenger hunt where children are given lists of Halloween-themed things to look for while they walk outdoors from house to house admiring Halloween decorations at a distance." But that's just depressing. I imagine the following will occur at least once on October 30th:
"Oh, look, ma, that haunted house looks fun!"
"Yes, but, thanks to the threat of getting sneezed on by someone wearing a gorilla mask, we have to stay 30 yards away from it".
Anyways, here's some tasteful ways to have a COVID-era halloween, without it being CDC level depressing:
1. Costumes: If you have a plague doctor mask, now's the time to wear it. If you don't have one, get yourself a plague doctor mask. Try to make the beak 6 feet long, so you can peck anyone who breaks social distancing protocol.
2. Assignment of menial tasks (see part 1 of post 18 for background): Obviously, this is going to be tough, but not impossible. Kids can mow your lawn without giving you a virus.
3. Horror movies: You're gonna want to put "the Crazies" on your Halloween watch list this year. Or, for an even scarier movie night, put on that Trump-Biden debate.
@clousems, are you trying to be like this guy, with all your rants???
www.youtube.com/watch?v=tbZRo4pw63g Good-luck, KingdomDumb
