Insane ramblings clousems (not chess-related)

Finally caught that mosquito that has been in my room for like 6 weeks. And yet, I feel a sense of emptiness at his passing. Our eternal struggle gave me a sense of purpose, a higher goal. He was the yin to my yang, the Patrick Muldoon to my Casper van Dien, the N'Sync to my Backstreet boys, and the Hobbes to my Locke. RIP, annoying mosquito

Nevermind. I think it was a different mosquito. Please disregard the above eulogy.

Check it's fingerprints.Should be plenty of them around the walls and stuff.

clousems History lessons: the Crusades.
If you were European, the middle ages were kind of a terrible time. Bubonic plague was everywhere. No Pop-Tarts. Very low wages. If you didn't have Viking insurance, you'd live in fear of an army of bearded men stealing your pigs and/or wheat. France and Spain were military superpowers. The only shows on TV were JAG, M*A*S*H, and the Johnny Carson show.
It was so boring that teenagers actually wanted to go to church.
As often happens when people get bored, a group of Europeans got rowdy and wanted to beat someone up. The pope (this was back when people still listened to the Catholic Church), not wanting to deal with fighting in Europe, devised a plan that would double as a team-building exercise: the Europeans would go beat up on those guys in the Middle East who actually are still developing culture.
And thus, the Crusades began. A gazillion Western European soldiers decided they should go and liberate Jeruseleum from...well, it's not really clear. Most of them just wanted to stab stuff and feel justified about it.
Meanwhile, the Seljuks weren't entirely sure what was going on. Here they were, minding their own business, and out of nowhere, a bunch of guys with funny accents were conquering cities for no apparent reason. Understandably peeved by this, they reconquered Edessa.
Then the Europeans got mad, and kept trying to invade the Middle East again. The stated reasons varied: liberating Jeruseleum, the Byzantines having money, WMDs, etc., but none of these follow up attempts were successful. Unless you count invading the wrong city successful, in which case the 7th Crusade worked out pretty well.

What can we learn from the Crusades?
1. If you're a nation that is west of Poland, don't try to invade the Middle East. It won't work out for you.
2. Walking around in Egypt wearing 50 pounds of metal armor in the middle of summer is not a great idea.
3. Do not let the Federal/Imperial/Monarchial government audit the banks/Knights Templars.
4. Never be a bad gut in an Indiana Jones movie.

I cannot, for the life of me, figure out what genre Brotherhood of the Wolf falls under.

How come dragons never are gainfully employed in literature?

Stockfish is a hater
Earlier today, I was analyzing a game I played on lichess, and looking for where stockfish said I could improve. Now, for those of you who don't know, I love playing weird openings. Team clousems was originally founded as a repository for analysis on weird openings, until this thread and the insult board became way more interesting.
Anyways, the computer analysis said I had one mistake and one inaccuracy. So I was feeling pretty good about it (it was a win against a 2100+). But then, when I saw what it claimed my inaccuracy was, I got mad. I was as angry as a gopher in a toaster oven*.
The "inaccuracy" was the first move I played. How can the first move be inaccurate? I mean, yeah, the Australian defense against the English Opening is a bit unorthodox (BTW, I don't think the aforementioned variation officially has a name. I propose "the statute of westminster defense"), but it was all part of my plan to play random moves in the opening and hope that my opponent was distracted by his neighbor loudly playing Stryper songs, and then return to a board position that makes him question his sanity. Just because stockfish doesn't understand the vast complexities of strategically praying divine- inspired Christian Glam intervention does not give it the right to disrespect me. Especially considering the fact that it evidently worked.

*I couldn't remember any of the real analogies regarding anger, and I imagine a toasted gopher would be at least somewhat pissed off. Feel free to use that expression if you are so inclined.

From time to time, I enjoy imdb fishing. For those of you who don't know what that is, it's a sport in which you wade through millions of movies in order to find one worth watching.
Sometimes, though, you'll encounter a movie that is so mind-numingly stupid that you begin to wonder whether it was written by humans, or by panda bears who dropped out of whatever scholastic institution pandas have.
What prompted me to post this? Well, here's the imdb summary of a movie I encountered on my most recent imdb fishing voyage:

"The director of the concrete plant fell into the concrete mixer. The devil from hell turned him into a concrete shark. Save the world from another monster will locksmiths Michael and Azamat."

After reading this, my mind was bombarded by questions. FIrst and foremost:
What the actual **** does that mean?

What kind of concrete plant director falls into his own mixer? Isn't day 1 of concrete training just a lecture about not falling into the concrete mixer? What the hell is a concrete shark? How would it swim? Is it a shark that swims in concrete, or one that is made of concrete? Why did the devil from hell decide to turn him into a concrete shark? How many devils aren't from hell? Why do locksmiths have to do battle with a shark made out of concrete? Isn't that animal cruelty? Did the author of the description know what conjugation means? Who the hell would produce such garbage?!