I decided to stop clogging chats with bizzare inanities, and thusly, I have decided to dust off the old tcm (I swear, I will set up a tournament someday if my pancreas allows me) and use the forum for this. You are most welcome.
What follows is an essay that, I am sure, is very near and dear to us all.
In researching potential leads for my Grover Cleveland rock opera, I was made aware of the fact that the beloved human being and a most talented artist, Lemmy (aka that guy from motorhead who sounded like his voicebox was a freakin' chainsaw) had died. 4 years ago. A fact which a quick wikipedia search will confirm. This would seem to explain why he never returns my calls.
At first, I was distraught. The man who had given us such hits as Ace of Spades and, um, Ace of Spades would no longer be able to make songs, like Ace of Spades. Then, as is the natural progression of grief, my thoughts turned to a singularly persistent and disturbing question: What the hell IS a Lemmy, anyways? All of us have asked ourselves this at some point or another, and yet, no one really knows. Is it short for Lemieux, implying that he is the alter ego of famed Pittsburgh Penguin Mario Lemieux? Is it short for lemming, a creature with a lifespan of approximately the same length as Mario Lemieux's playing career? Maybe its a state of being, or a medical condition. Are people born with Lemmy? Do people achieve Lemmy? Do people have Lemmy thrust upon them? If so, who are the proper authorities to contact when this occurs?
So, ever vigilant, I went to the all-seeing google, and asked for guidance from the search engine that I have trusted most ever since Ask.com fired their butler (Jeeves may be the subject of a future project, after I am finished with Cleveland: Party Animal). And it turns out that Lemmy is actually a Hebrew name that means "Devoted to God" (source: www.sheknows.com/baby-names/name/lemmy/)
Then my thoughts turned to finding a different rock singer to represent Adlai P. Stevenson. For some reason, Ronny James Dio won't return my calls.
In researching potential leads for my Grover Cleveland rock opera, I was made aware of the fact that the beloved human being and a most talented artist, Lemmy (aka that guy from motorhead who sounded like his voicebox was a freakin' chainsaw) had died. 4 years ago. A fact which a quick wikipedia search will confirm. This would seem to explain why he never returns my calls.
At first, I was distraught. The man who had given us such hits as Ace of Spades and, um, Ace of Spades would no longer be able to make songs, like Ace of Spades. Then, as is the natural progression of grief, my thoughts turned to a singularly persistent and disturbing question: What the hell IS a Lemmy, anyways? All of us have asked ourselves this at some point or another, and yet, no one really knows. Is it short for Lemieux, implying that he is the alter ego of famed Pittsburgh Penguin Mario Lemieux? Is it short for lemming, a creature with a lifespan of approximately the same length as Mario Lemieux's playing career? Maybe its a state of being, or a medical condition. Are people born with Lemmy? Do people achieve Lemmy? Do people have Lemmy thrust upon them? If so, who are the proper authorities to contact when this occurs?
So, ever vigilant, I went to the all-seeing google, and asked for guidance from the search engine that I have trusted most ever since Ask.com fired their butler (Jeeves may be the subject of a future project, after I am finished with Cleveland: Party Animal). And it turns out that Lemmy is actually a Hebrew name that means "Devoted to God" (source: www.sheknows.com/baby-names/name/lemmy/)
Then my thoughts turned to finding a different rock singer to represent Adlai P. Stevenson. For some reason, Ronny James Dio won't return my calls.
His parents really missed the mark calling him Lemmy.
Over the past few weeks, one of the neighbors in my apartment has been excessively loud in the middle of the night. Thus, I have decided to go to war. In hopes of aiding those who face a similar situation, I have decided to post some strategies in order to defeat your vile neighbors without direct confrontation or being impolite.
1. Join a cult. Nothing says "move away from me and avoid me at all times" like a cult. In order to convey your super-cultiness (or, for those less devoted to the anti-neighbor cause, as a way to fake your cultiness) drink plenty of kool-aid, buy a George Harrison CD, shave your head, and always refer to an omnipotent being named Jeff.
2. Join an occult/coven. The premise is similar to #1, but this avoids the chance that your neighbor thanks you've joined a swanky, innovative new religion or are a run-of-the-mill vegan. If you want to give off the occult vibe, dress up like Johnny Depp (or, for those of you who are more familiar with German Expressionist cinema, that dude from The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari), hang out at the local Hot Topic, start smoking, and only speak in monotonous monosyllables.
3. Shout everything you say/think as loudly as you can. Obviously, this only need be done when your neighbor is around. Hopefully, this will annoy the living daylights out of them.
4. Start wildly implausible rumors about your neighbor, as these will spread, ideally to your landlord. Remember to make them as unbelievable and hyperbolic as possible. If i am a landlord and I hear that my tenant is evading taxes, I don't care. If i hear that my tenant was personally responsible for the disappearance of Atlantis, the Bubonic Plague in Europe, the Hindenburg explosion, and Lara Flynn Boyle's plastic surgery, I raise their rent.
5. Listen to loud, bad music. Good examples of this are Skillet, Nickelback, Sabaton, and Winger. Also, any Quiet Riot after DuBrow died.
6. Loudly watch bad movies or television. I have recently started watching Scream Queens, for example. If your tolerance for terrible media is not that high, I suggest Blade: the Series or the hilariously bad Toxic Avenger.
If anyone has other suggestions, feel free to share
1. Join a cult. Nothing says "move away from me and avoid me at all times" like a cult. In order to convey your super-cultiness (or, for those less devoted to the anti-neighbor cause, as a way to fake your cultiness) drink plenty of kool-aid, buy a George Harrison CD, shave your head, and always refer to an omnipotent being named Jeff.
2. Join an occult/coven. The premise is similar to #1, but this avoids the chance that your neighbor thanks you've joined a swanky, innovative new religion or are a run-of-the-mill vegan. If you want to give off the occult vibe, dress up like Johnny Depp (or, for those of you who are more familiar with German Expressionist cinema, that dude from The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari), hang out at the local Hot Topic, start smoking, and only speak in monotonous monosyllables.
3. Shout everything you say/think as loudly as you can. Obviously, this only need be done when your neighbor is around. Hopefully, this will annoy the living daylights out of them.
4. Start wildly implausible rumors about your neighbor, as these will spread, ideally to your landlord. Remember to make them as unbelievable and hyperbolic as possible. If i am a landlord and I hear that my tenant is evading taxes, I don't care. If i hear that my tenant was personally responsible for the disappearance of Atlantis, the Bubonic Plague in Europe, the Hindenburg explosion, and Lara Flynn Boyle's plastic surgery, I raise their rent.
5. Listen to loud, bad music. Good examples of this are Skillet, Nickelback, Sabaton, and Winger. Also, any Quiet Riot after DuBrow died.
6. Loudly watch bad movies or television. I have recently started watching Scream Queens, for example. If your tolerance for terrible media is not that high, I suggest Blade: the Series or the hilariously bad Toxic Avenger.
If anyone has other suggestions, feel free to share
Recently, the second Lichess civil war has broken out (the first one was when v2 came out). The cause: a link on lichess to a (somewhat hilariously aggressive) environmentalist website. Naturally, this has caused a number of factions to emerge, the two primary ones being:
-those who aggressively deny global warming, anyone who believes in the environment, and, especially, 16 year-old Swedish girls with ridiculous middle names (seriously, Tintin?)
- those who believe that global warming will result in the sun becoming more magnetized than it already is, and consequently sucking in earth and destroying literally everything tomorrow at 7:30 GMT
(note: for those of you keeping track of the political affiliations of the leader of team clousems, I have decided to champion the cause of "@Thibault (or, as I like to call him, Mr Thibs) can do whatever the hell he wants on his site, but I will be ever so peeved if the local traffic increases).
However, while I think we can all agree that there is no middle ground between these well thought out arguments, and that anyone who disagrees with you is probably stupid, I think we all need to realize an important fact.
Werewolves hate pollution.
That's right. At great personal risk to myself, I decided to interview a number of werewolves to determine their thoughts on natural enemies, obviously suspecting it was Stephenie Meyer, an author so bad, she can't spell her own first name correctly. But shockingly, Meyer only came in a distant fourth. What ranked ahead of her? First was Pigeons. Second was a set of steak knives. And third was pollution. It makes sense though. Pigeons are kind of a-holes, and nobody likes Glengary Glenn Ross anymore. And regarding pollution: when was the last time you saw a polluting werewolf? Exactly never. As it turns out, nurdles are actually a slightly more effective anti-werewolf device than a gun that fires silver bullets, and are much easier to come by.
So, the next time that you are arguing over Mr. Thibs right to use his own website, and then get sidetracked into an amusingly bad argument about global warming, remember to save the werewolves.
-those who aggressively deny global warming, anyone who believes in the environment, and, especially, 16 year-old Swedish girls with ridiculous middle names (seriously, Tintin?)
- those who believe that global warming will result in the sun becoming more magnetized than it already is, and consequently sucking in earth and destroying literally everything tomorrow at 7:30 GMT
(note: for those of you keeping track of the political affiliations of the leader of team clousems, I have decided to champion the cause of "@Thibault (or, as I like to call him, Mr Thibs) can do whatever the hell he wants on his site, but I will be ever so peeved if the local traffic increases).
However, while I think we can all agree that there is no middle ground between these well thought out arguments, and that anyone who disagrees with you is probably stupid, I think we all need to realize an important fact.
Werewolves hate pollution.
That's right. At great personal risk to myself, I decided to interview a number of werewolves to determine their thoughts on natural enemies, obviously suspecting it was Stephenie Meyer, an author so bad, she can't spell her own first name correctly. But shockingly, Meyer only came in a distant fourth. What ranked ahead of her? First was Pigeons. Second was a set of steak knives. And third was pollution. It makes sense though. Pigeons are kind of a-holes, and nobody likes Glengary Glenn Ross anymore. And regarding pollution: when was the last time you saw a polluting werewolf? Exactly never. As it turns out, nurdles are actually a slightly more effective anti-werewolf device than a gun that fires silver bullets, and are much easier to come by.
So, the next time that you are arguing over Mr. Thibs right to use his own website, and then get sidetracked into an amusingly bad argument about global warming, remember to save the werewolves.
It has come to my attention that my previous post could be construed as stating that Twilight was better than Glengary Glenn Ross. In my defense, only stupid people would legitimately believe that. Like, really, really stupid people. Nevertheless, I would like to formally apologize to Al Pacino, Jack Lemmon, Alan Arkin, Alec Baldwin, Kevin Spacey (despite the fact that he is a bad person), Ed Harris, and the rest of the cast of Glengarry Glen Ross for this misunderstanding.
Recently, I decided to become a vigilante (probably as a result of my sorrow at the tragic passing of Mr. Lemmy, or maybe as a way to vent my rage at encountering writer's block with the Grover Cleveland Rock Opera). Now, some of you may be thinking that this is in direct contradiction with the fact that I also recently became a crime lord who utilizes organized jaywalking and similar crimes in order to finance the Rock Opera. However, I found a way around this: on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, I engage in criminal activities. On Tuesdays and Thursdays, I engage in Vigilante activities. On weekends, I engage in criminally vigilant activities (Basically, I go all Jimmy Stewart in Rear Window. Unfortunately, my window overlooks an empty lot, so its rather uneventful. I am beginning to think one of the pigeons may have something to hide, though).
Anyways, it so happens that vigilantism is a rather hard gig to get into, much harder than becoming Don clousems. Apparently, the vigilantes in the DC (District of Columbia, not Detective Comics. Although, as it turns out, Detective Chimp is involved) area have unionized, and, since I don't want to pay union dues, its pretty hard to find good opportunities, since all of the other vigilantes get all of the truly evil people. In order to effectively compete with the unionized vigilantes, I had to find a niche in which to operate. Thus, I decided to become a traffic vigilante. This means I have decided to start dispensing bad-@$$ justice on people who:
-Park in a facility other than the one that they are utilizing
-travel in HOV lanes without meeting the HOV qualifications
-Jaywalk (obviously, not those jaywalkers associated with my criminal organization)
-fail to yield to pedestrians in crosswalks
-drive above the speed limit
Interestingly enough, I have noticed the following phenomena occur since my vigilantism took off:
-Increase in alliterative names within a 10 block radius
-Everyone around me is either extremely attractive, evil, or both
-Evilness actually ROSE by 20%
-I have started to refer to everyone as "citizen", as though I were not a citizen myself
-A completely logical urge to wear a costume while I go around trying to be inconspicuous. (My particular outfit is heavily inspired by the likes of Kevin DuBrow, Gene Simmons, and Jani Lane)
-Karl Urban has started following me around, taking notes on me. Its really disconcerting, actually
-Lots of local ads for superhero hideouts come in the mail.
I am thinking of conducting an empirical analysis on the subject.
Anyways, it so happens that vigilantism is a rather hard gig to get into, much harder than becoming Don clousems. Apparently, the vigilantes in the DC (District of Columbia, not Detective Comics. Although, as it turns out, Detective Chimp is involved) area have unionized, and, since I don't want to pay union dues, its pretty hard to find good opportunities, since all of the other vigilantes get all of the truly evil people. In order to effectively compete with the unionized vigilantes, I had to find a niche in which to operate. Thus, I decided to become a traffic vigilante. This means I have decided to start dispensing bad-@$$ justice on people who:
-Park in a facility other than the one that they are utilizing
-travel in HOV lanes without meeting the HOV qualifications
-Jaywalk (obviously, not those jaywalkers associated with my criminal organization)
-fail to yield to pedestrians in crosswalks
-drive above the speed limit
Interestingly enough, I have noticed the following phenomena occur since my vigilantism took off:
-Increase in alliterative names within a 10 block radius
-Everyone around me is either extremely attractive, evil, or both
-Evilness actually ROSE by 20%
-I have started to refer to everyone as "citizen", as though I were not a citizen myself
-A completely logical urge to wear a costume while I go around trying to be inconspicuous. (My particular outfit is heavily inspired by the likes of Kevin DuBrow, Gene Simmons, and Jani Lane)
-Karl Urban has started following me around, taking notes on me. Its really disconcerting, actually
-Lots of local ads for superhero hideouts come in the mail.
I am thinking of conducting an empirical analysis on the subject.
Today, as I was playing in the Rapid Shield arena, I heard music coming from a local playground. My first thought was "Wow. That's surprisingly good music for today's standards."
My second thought was "Wait, I know this song"
My third thought was: "Who the heck plays Rocket Queen by Guns n Roses on a playground in a residential neighborhood?"
For those of you who don't know, Rocket Queen is probably one of the 10 least child friendly songs of all time. It makes "Blurred Lines" appear child friendly. Heck, its not even adult friendly.
Since today was fighting for Justice --its a Thursday-- I decided to use my vast intelligence to formulate a plan to stop such atrocities (even if the atrocity was, admittedly, on a really, really good album).
Thusly, I have decided to create a new label company, known as Kidz Thrash (Restricted Trademark). Essentially, it is a hard rock/metal version of Kidz Bop (did you know that Kidz Bop has more Billboard Top 10 albums than Bruce Springsteen? That is almost as disturbing as the whole Rocket Queen incident. But I digress). The First album will include cleaned up versions of:
-Symphony for Destruction (original by Megadeth) (upon further review, this song is actually clean. Go figure!)
-Swords and Tequila (Riot)
-A certain song by Accept, with a relatively un-PC name (I don't want to offend any youngin's). If you know Accept, though, you know the one. It involves a wall.
-A song by Motorhead, which also happens to be the name of their seventh studio album (or, you know, Ace of Spades)
-Black Sabbath, by Black Sabbath (yes, Black Sabbath sang the song Black Sabbath which appeared on the album Black Sabbath. Angel Witch did the same thing)
-Metal Death Racer, by Piledriver
-As a Bonus Track, a Politically correct version of Krokus'"Tokyo Nights" will be included, for all of you who love the many original works of Krokus
Proceeds will go to financing a Grover Cleveland Rock Opera
My second thought was "Wait, I know this song"
My third thought was: "Who the heck plays Rocket Queen by Guns n Roses on a playground in a residential neighborhood?"
For those of you who don't know, Rocket Queen is probably one of the 10 least child friendly songs of all time. It makes "Blurred Lines" appear child friendly. Heck, its not even adult friendly.
Since today was fighting for Justice --its a Thursday-- I decided to use my vast intelligence to formulate a plan to stop such atrocities (even if the atrocity was, admittedly, on a really, really good album).
Thusly, I have decided to create a new label company, known as Kidz Thrash (Restricted Trademark). Essentially, it is a hard rock/metal version of Kidz Bop (did you know that Kidz Bop has more Billboard Top 10 albums than Bruce Springsteen? That is almost as disturbing as the whole Rocket Queen incident. But I digress). The First album will include cleaned up versions of:
-Symphony for Destruction (original by Megadeth) (upon further review, this song is actually clean. Go figure!)
-Swords and Tequila (Riot)
-A certain song by Accept, with a relatively un-PC name (I don't want to offend any youngin's). If you know Accept, though, you know the one. It involves a wall.
-A song by Motorhead, which also happens to be the name of their seventh studio album (or, you know, Ace of Spades)
-Black Sabbath, by Black Sabbath (yes, Black Sabbath sang the song Black Sabbath which appeared on the album Black Sabbath. Angel Witch did the same thing)
-Metal Death Racer, by Piledriver
-As a Bonus Track, a Politically correct version of Krokus'"Tokyo Nights" will be included, for all of you who love the many original works of Krokus
Proceeds will go to financing a Grover Cleveland Rock Opera
With the development of such projects as Kidz Thrash and Cleveland: Non-Consecutive and Loving it, I can't think of something about which to ramble. Therefore, I provide some vital facts of life below:
- The surgeon on Botched is the brother of former Quiet Riot lead singer, Kevin Dubrow (for those of you keeping track, this is the third time Dubrow has been mentioned in the insane ramblings; I probably listened to Metal Health one time too many). Despite this, Botched, as well as any other programming on TLC ever since "What Not to Wear" was cancelled, is completely unwatchable.
- Andrew Jackson's pet parrot was removed from the former president's funeral, on account of the fact that the parrot was swearing during the ceremony.
- Heteroskedasticity is not recognized by autocorrect, nor is the common misspelling "heteroscedasticity." The only spelling suggestion is "heterosexuality," which has nothing to do with heteroskedasticity. Also, while I'm on the subject: Heteroskedasticity is spelled with a "k", and there is only one correct spelling, people!
- Edgar Allen Poe wrote a number of comedies; my personal favorite is "Never Bet the Devil You're Head"
- In Kentucky, it is illegal for women to walk down highways if they are wearing a swimsuit and weigh between 90 and 200 pounds, unless accompanied by a state official.
-Dario Argento's film "Tenebre" was influenced by hate mail he received, claiming that his films were too violent
- The surgeon on Botched is the brother of former Quiet Riot lead singer, Kevin Dubrow (for those of you keeping track, this is the third time Dubrow has been mentioned in the insane ramblings; I probably listened to Metal Health one time too many). Despite this, Botched, as well as any other programming on TLC ever since "What Not to Wear" was cancelled, is completely unwatchable.
- Andrew Jackson's pet parrot was removed from the former president's funeral, on account of the fact that the parrot was swearing during the ceremony.
- Heteroskedasticity is not recognized by autocorrect, nor is the common misspelling "heteroscedasticity." The only spelling suggestion is "heterosexuality," which has nothing to do with heteroskedasticity. Also, while I'm on the subject: Heteroskedasticity is spelled with a "k", and there is only one correct spelling, people!
- Edgar Allen Poe wrote a number of comedies; my personal favorite is "Never Bet the Devil You're Head"
- In Kentucky, it is illegal for women to walk down highways if they are wearing a swimsuit and weigh between 90 and 200 pounds, unless accompanied by a state official.
-Dario Argento's film "Tenebre" was influenced by hate mail he received, claiming that his films were too violent
The following was originally posted in the forum under the topic: A more politically correct way of identifying your pieces. I somehow managed to be incredibly offensive while remaining politically correct.
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Is calling one player first and the other second politically correct? No, as it implies that one player has the "right" to go first, whereas the other player does not have that right. We should call them "player who has the opportunity to move his pieces prior to his opponent, which in no way should be an indictment of any qualities of the opponent, but rather obtained the opportunity in the form of an arbitrary result," and "player, who through no fault of their own, was not provided the opportunity with which to move prior to the other player." For the remainder of this post, they will be referred to as A and 1, respectively
Regarding piece designations, each piece should have their own name. Just because a piece moves like another piece does not mean it is any less unique than its counterparts. Personally, I refer to my b-Knight as Dwayne, for example, while my f-pawn (when playing as player A, of course, to avoid any potential for being misunderstood) is named Steeve Ho You Fat, in honor of the French basketball player's ability to overcome the adversity that his name brings (note: I am not actually sure if Steeve Ho You Fat has encountered all that much name-bullying, as a result of the fact that he is 6-8 and always looks happy. Also, congratulations on getting back into the LNB Pro A, Steeve)
In order to overcome the idea that chess is sexist with regards to the whole king/queen thing, I have developed a solution: player 1's king and queen will be named Lana Wachowski and Larry Wachowski, respectively, while player A's queen and king will be named Andrew Wachowski and Lilly Wachowski, respectively.
I think we can all agree that I am, like, the most politically correct individual since the ironically-now-considered-politically-correct Bill Clinton
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Yes, Steeve Ho You Fat is, in fact, a professional French basketball player, and has been for a long while.
and yes, the Wachowski Brothers (the people who directed the Matrix trilogy) are now, in fact, the Wachowski sisters
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Is calling one player first and the other second politically correct? No, as it implies that one player has the "right" to go first, whereas the other player does not have that right. We should call them "player who has the opportunity to move his pieces prior to his opponent, which in no way should be an indictment of any qualities of the opponent, but rather obtained the opportunity in the form of an arbitrary result," and "player, who through no fault of their own, was not provided the opportunity with which to move prior to the other player." For the remainder of this post, they will be referred to as A and 1, respectively
Regarding piece designations, each piece should have their own name. Just because a piece moves like another piece does not mean it is any less unique than its counterparts. Personally, I refer to my b-Knight as Dwayne, for example, while my f-pawn (when playing as player A, of course, to avoid any potential for being misunderstood) is named Steeve Ho You Fat, in honor of the French basketball player's ability to overcome the adversity that his name brings (note: I am not actually sure if Steeve Ho You Fat has encountered all that much name-bullying, as a result of the fact that he is 6-8 and always looks happy. Also, congratulations on getting back into the LNB Pro A, Steeve)
In order to overcome the idea that chess is sexist with regards to the whole king/queen thing, I have developed a solution: player 1's king and queen will be named Lana Wachowski and Larry Wachowski, respectively, while player A's queen and king will be named Andrew Wachowski and Lilly Wachowski, respectively.
I think we can all agree that I am, like, the most politically correct individual since the ironically-now-considered-politically-correct Bill Clinton
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Yes, Steeve Ho You Fat is, in fact, a professional French basketball player, and has been for a long while.
and yes, the Wachowski Brothers (the people who directed the Matrix trilogy) are now, in fact, the Wachowski sisters
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