lichess.org

JOKES

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When NATO was bombing us (former Yugoslavia), over Montenegro (Republic which people are famous in jokes for their lazyness) one plane was shot, pilot jumped out and land. He saw house and lights inside and he knocked on door. No one answer, so he step inside and see - man and woman are lying in bed. He said:
- Good evening !
No one answer.
- I'm hungry. Can You give me some food ?
No one answer.
He saw refrigerator, open it, found food and drink and have dinner. Then he said:
- Ooh man, thanks for food...Your wife looks really good, can I have sex with her ?
No one answer.
So, he jumps in bed and have sex with woman. Then he goes. Women, after he left said:
- Have You seen what did he done ?
And he answer:
- You spoke the first - lights out !

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Gypsies were smuggling skunks (animals) over the international border. When they are approaching border, find out that one skunk can't be hidden, so husband tells wife:
- Put him between legs !
- I can't it stinks !
- Then let him die son of bi*** !
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In one firm new female have been employed, and one man offered to meet her with company so they went in restaurant, later in hotel, have sex . Man is preparing to go home and said:
- My wife will kill me, haven't spoke to her that I'm going to late....Hmm...Is there a chance that You have piece of chalk ?
She gave him. He is coming home and on the door wife asks him:
- Where the f**k are You whole night ?
- You know, new women has been employed and I offered to meet her with the company and we were in restaurant then hotel where we have sex , and I forget to call You. Sorry.
And she says:
- You lying son of bit*h, You were on bowling, piece of chalk is still behind Your ear !

A very respected Captain in the Foreign Legion was transferred to a remote desert outpost.
On his orientation tour he noticed a very old seedy looking camel tied out behind the enlisted men’s barracks.
He asked the Sergeant leading the tour, “Why is a camel tied to the barracks?”
The Sergeant replied, “Well sir, it’s a long way from anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do … uh … we have the camel ready for them.”
The Captain said, “Well, I suppose if it’s good for morale, then I guess it’s all right with me”.
After he had been stationed at the fort for six long, lonely months, the Captain simply couldn’t control his sexual angst any longer.
He barked to his Sergeant: “BRING THE CAMEL INTO MY TENT!”
The Sergeant shrugged his shoulders, looked at the other men, and lead the camel into the Captain’s quarters.
Within a few minutes, the Captain emerged from his tent, fastening his trousers, almost beaming with pride.
“So, Sergeant, is that how the enlisted men do it?” he asked.
The Sergeant replied, “Well, sir, usually they just use it to ride into town.”

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A merchant captain and several of his officers were returning to the ship after an evening of partying ashore.
As they climbed the gangway, the captain threw up all over himself.
Pointing to an apprentice seaman above, him he shouted, "Give that man five days in the brig for vomiting on me!"
The following morning the captain was checking the log and saw that the young seaman had been sentenced to ten days and asked the chief mate why.
"Well Sir, when we got you undressed we found that he'd also took a dump in your pants."


The young married couple got two twins. Happy parents, as usual, carry a variety of items on the tray for the children to pick and decide what kind of work they wiill do when they grown up.
One of the twins chooses a microphone and the father will:
- You're not going to be a singer, I'd rather kill you!
The father goes for the gun and kills his son, the other twin takes the microphone and sings:
- You killed the wrong man!

What is the difference between a woman and a tornado?
None: they both arrive hot and humid and leave with the house and the car.

Little Johnny is always being teased by the other neighborhood boys for being stupid.
Their favorite joke is to offer Johnny his choice between a nickel and a dime Little Johnny always takes the nickel.
One day, after Johnny takes the nickel, a neighbor takes him aside and says, "Johnny, those boys are making fun of you. Don't you know that a dime is worth more than a nickel, even though the nickel's bigger?"
Johnny grins and says, "Well, if I took the dime, they'd stop doing it, and so far I've made $20!"

Little Johnny comes downstairs crying.
His mother asked, "What’s the matter now?"
"Dad was hanging pictures, and just hit his thumb with hammer," said little Johnny through his tears.
"That’s not so serious," soothed his mother.
"I know you are upset, but a big boy like you shouldn’t cry at something like that. Why didn’t you just laugh?"
"I did!" sobbed Johnny.

When does cops go to shower ?
When green light appears on water heater !
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Why Bill Clinton gets hard on when shaving ?
Because he see a vagina in mirrror !
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What God said to good fu*kers ?
Well it's normally You don't know !
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Why Jews on every question answer with question ?
Why shouldn't Jews answer on question with question ?
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Why women rub their eyes when awake ?
Because they don't have balls !
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Why sceletons can't jump from building ?
Because they don't have balls !
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Why on cop's cars is written police ?
So as not to chase each other !
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Why San Marino can't organize Olympic games ?
Because they don't have distance for marathon !

im impressed you can copy and paste trash of the internet.. congrats to all you fartsmellers

These young boys will see how lame all this school-boy snigger-smut is when they finally start shaving.(with a real blade in the razor)

Reconnecting